Something is up with you. And for the first time I am actually concerned.
And to be honest with you, me too. I think I am broke.
Anything can be fixed though. Remember that.
Your modesty and overall hope boat has sunk.
As your doctor-
Ha!
as I was saying, what do you think the "tipping point" in any marriage is? Is it love? Sex? Attraction? Commonality?
How should I know? I got married at 23, spent 11 years doubting myself and my decision making ability, and had a child under fucked up circumstances that have unloaded piles of guilt on me that no man or father should have to endure. I have tried to support my wife who has more emotional problems than a maternity ward at feeding time. I have begged mercy with both my wife and the God I struggle to follow. I have separated myself from my family, regardless of how shitty they are, to earn her trust and love and I have stepped to the edge of reason, and plummeted foolishly over it. What is my tipping point...Doctor?
Let me ask another question then. What do you want in your life right now. And don't hold back, not here, not with me. Get it out there so we can then skimmer through the goo and find the nuggets that hold value.
I want the woman I married. I want the young, full of life, woman who gave up everything to pursue, what she thought to be at the time, true love, risking everything she fought, kicked and clawed her way to have back home. I want the woman who wanted me, everything single inch of me, the moment we stepped out of the airport. I want the woman who I could not wait to come home to from work, to hold, or kiss, or just sit next to and watch mindless television for hours. Yes, she had high expectations then, but she also carried herself along happily, even if it was a facade, as though the only thing that mattered was us. Us versus all the rest. Did I squander it? Yes, I made plenty of fumbles along the goal line, but goddamn it I have more than made up for them. I want the woman who loved, even if she was faking it. I want to know this fight is for a reason that is not revolving around another girl about four feet tall.
So the majority of your misery centers with your wife.
Always has been, hasn't it?
What if you left her? Aside from the shit your daughter would have to put up with, and the unfair disadvantage it would be to her.
That is the complex part. The easy part is I would be forever broken inside. K has become a part of me, and I would like to believe that I her. But the chemistry no longer feels like lovers. It feels like long time friends torn asunder by some silly ass disagreement, or jealousy for the girl each want but cannot have. The ONLY thing we share now is our daughter. I am not sure if its a matter of one given up or not, but that is the cold hard fact. Our love is baseless as individuals, but blossoms as parents.
Ah. The complex part.
K has fallen down a rabbit hole of self-doubt and insecurity unlike anything I ever known. She refuses to get help or allow me to help her. She refuses any medication that could possibly help her focus and the worse part about it all is that final piece of our family, a second child, looms over like a prized championship just out of reach. The missing link to our family happiness. I can't talk to her about it. I can't mention it. And if I try, she turns on me and attacks viciously at times.
So, reach out to her again. But do so carefully. Speak to her indirectly, and, if she is listening, maybe you will not have to beg anymore.
And if she ignores it, then what?
Then you become another statistic, my friend.
And how do I get to her?
Same way you have always expressed yourself.
(A)men.
It's worth a shot. What more do I have left?
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Adjust.
You're happier than I've seen in awhile.
Change of perspective.
On whose part?
Both of us. I guess. I, myself, have learned to silence the inner critic. It took awhile, as you know, but it seems to have helped with current affairs.
Is this the same critic who constantly searches for someone else to blame?
No. This is the collective conscious that pushed out all the things I cannot change, to focus on those which I can. The family. Friends. Work. Writing.
How is that going for you, the writing?
Stagnant. I am trying to learn from my past mistakes, which was to go headlong into a project and lose faith in it or myself midway. Now, I write when I feel it. I write when I have something to say, and avoid writing to be be writing.
Goes against the grain of the process, doesn't?
I figure, since I constant go against the grain on most things, I might as well apply it to my writing also.
To finish one thing at a time?
To just finish...something. The last effort failed grossly with my expectations, but doesn't most first timers fail in this story-making?
I would not know.
Me neither.
Anything you want to share, outside your writing?
I'm trying to stay positive. No need to shift when I am doing so well with the current mindset.
Then this place becomes pointless in a sense, does it not?
You know, it's true what they say about you, being a shit-stirrer and all.
It's not fair to exclude yourself from your own shit-stirring. So, is there anything on your mind?
Thanksgiving. I have been thinking about that a lot, not having a traditional meal with family or friends. I am so fucking tired of going at this alone. Here I am with a beautiful and loving little girl, and my family continue to walk a path of indifference. If there was a time to change, it is now. And not just me, but my brother as well with his little girl. I get not having a unified family to rely on, but one would think the extensions of that tree might find a way to keep tradition alive.
Why don't you make the first move and invite him over?
Because I know the outcome. My brother thinks only about himself. He is the type who will say, sure, I am game, if others come to him. Then, it's on his terms. Showing up late. Saying one thing and doing another. It's just too stressful, when I am trying to relax.
So no plans for Turkey Day?
K is going to make a little dinner. Her new friend is coming over and there will be wine.
Oh, good. Wine makes things better when done in moderation.
I guess.
Can I ask you something?
No.
Are you happy?
You missed that last reply, huh.
Are you?
Not as much as I would like to be. But I am making progress.
And now for the hard part. Do you want to be here, with her?
Very much so. I do not have to think too long and hard about the woman I have given over a decade of my life to be with. We are very different people who have managed to find something that bonds us, even if we are not certain to what that bonding is. I love K and I cannot think of another woman I'd rather be with, at this point in my life. She is hard. She is crazy in a sense. But she is also special, with much to offer me if I can just crack that outer shell.
If...
Yes, if.
And if not?
I'll die trying.
Good answer.
Is it?
I suppose time will tell, sir.
Good answer.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Sessions With Myself
For a minute there, I thought you were never coming back.
It's been a long hard road out of hell. I figured I would take a moment to collect my thoughts and try some new things.
And how did this go?
Lets be honest, life has been a motherfucker this year. I have been trying so hard to be a better man, for me, for my family, for everyone. Everything I have done in this nearly 11 year marriage has led up to this moment, this defining year of my life. Our last talk spoke of a second addition to the family, which, I am sad to say, we lost. It was devastating to us. My wife more so than me, but don't judge. I wanted another child, but I am not so sure it would have been for the best. Too many conflicts and doubt, which was not much different than the trials I have had with my marriage from day one, but I guess I am older and wiser now and figure some things should not be under acidic circumstances. I never got the chance to mourn the loss myself, because I needed to be strong for me, for K. More so for her than myself.
Tell me how you feel about losing the baby now then.
Relieved. Scared. Embarrassed. Above all...full of guilt. I have felt trapped in this marriage. Like a tornado swooped down over me years ago and kept me prisoner inside its eye. A torrent of expectations tossing and throwing me around like a rag doll. So many parts of my person have separated from the body that I typically feel like I am outside myself, walking around like a mindless zombie, acting on impulses embedded in vows that have long lost their meaning. I was about to have another child with a woman who cannot forget about things that happened 10 years ago, still fresh on her mind as though they happened yesterday. Vindictive and vengeful, two things I cannot tolerate with my seasoning as a man. Knowing that these traits will transfer into my children leaves me kicking myself, praying my own DNA will offset some of the cold shoulder.
And the wife?
Desolate. I've spent a decade of my life loving a woman who has doubted herself and every emotion within her, leading to misleading affection with me, doing all I can to convince myself that she is my one true mate. Years spent absorbing the damage of her wrath and anger, waiting for the moment she stepped through the void of self pity and emerge as the woman I fell in love with so long ago. I have been slowly poisoned by this defeat, this blatant lie, this facade I was fooled into marrying so that the actual damaged goods could relax and be itself. I have watched her tack on pound after pound, ballooning her weight to what she would call, "The woman I deserve" only to repent for my mistakes and not have the woman return to whomever it is that I do deserve. I have watched her focus on hate and anger, swelling this skill to masterful levels, instead of reinforce whatever love and values she has inside her. I have had to live with this. And it has taken its toll on me.
How is your job going?
Mine? Very bright future if I can stick with it and keep convincing people I know what I am doing. My wife, however, not so much. Just another shot in the gut, which came not a month and a half after she lost the baby, her own job was cut. The main income depleted. The comfort levels she has been used to for six years now, no more. Because she did not have enough shit to destroy her confidence, now she has to overcome being let go from a job she excelled in. The top in her position three years in a row, suddenly gone. There is no confidence remaining. Her pride is decimated, her will broken. How can I expect her to give me anything, when she cannot find the strength to give herself the slightest bit?
Where are you overall?
I do not know. I make this out to sound terrible that the woman I am married to is an awful person, but she is not. She is rather stunning. A perfect circle of chaos. And perhaps that is why I love her so, and why I continue to lie for us about that victorious moment, when she breaks through that final obstacle and woos me again.
Then I believe we should go back to the beginning. no filters. It's just you and me now. The gloves need to come off. I think we will find the right path in doing this. That you will see the light at the end of that infamous tunnel we all seek. But first, you need to think about some things. You need to find that young soul, standing next to his bride nearly 11 years ago, and ask yourself why you said, "I do."
Give me some time. I want to make this right.
I'll be here, when you are ready to proceed.
You have always been there.
A trend we can both agree to continue.
It's been a long hard road out of hell. I figured I would take a moment to collect my thoughts and try some new things.
And how did this go?
Lets be honest, life has been a motherfucker this year. I have been trying so hard to be a better man, for me, for my family, for everyone. Everything I have done in this nearly 11 year marriage has led up to this moment, this defining year of my life. Our last talk spoke of a second addition to the family, which, I am sad to say, we lost. It was devastating to us. My wife more so than me, but don't judge. I wanted another child, but I am not so sure it would have been for the best. Too many conflicts and doubt, which was not much different than the trials I have had with my marriage from day one, but I guess I am older and wiser now and figure some things should not be under acidic circumstances. I never got the chance to mourn the loss myself, because I needed to be strong for me, for K. More so for her than myself.
Tell me how you feel about losing the baby now then.
Relieved. Scared. Embarrassed. Above all...full of guilt. I have felt trapped in this marriage. Like a tornado swooped down over me years ago and kept me prisoner inside its eye. A torrent of expectations tossing and throwing me around like a rag doll. So many parts of my person have separated from the body that I typically feel like I am outside myself, walking around like a mindless zombie, acting on impulses embedded in vows that have long lost their meaning. I was about to have another child with a woman who cannot forget about things that happened 10 years ago, still fresh on her mind as though they happened yesterday. Vindictive and vengeful, two things I cannot tolerate with my seasoning as a man. Knowing that these traits will transfer into my children leaves me kicking myself, praying my own DNA will offset some of the cold shoulder.
And the wife?
Desolate. I've spent a decade of my life loving a woman who has doubted herself and every emotion within her, leading to misleading affection with me, doing all I can to convince myself that she is my one true mate. Years spent absorbing the damage of her wrath and anger, waiting for the moment she stepped through the void of self pity and emerge as the woman I fell in love with so long ago. I have been slowly poisoned by this defeat, this blatant lie, this facade I was fooled into marrying so that the actual damaged goods could relax and be itself. I have watched her tack on pound after pound, ballooning her weight to what she would call, "The woman I deserve" only to repent for my mistakes and not have the woman return to whomever it is that I do deserve. I have watched her focus on hate and anger, swelling this skill to masterful levels, instead of reinforce whatever love and values she has inside her. I have had to live with this. And it has taken its toll on me.
How is your job going?
Mine? Very bright future if I can stick with it and keep convincing people I know what I am doing. My wife, however, not so much. Just another shot in the gut, which came not a month and a half after she lost the baby, her own job was cut. The main income depleted. The comfort levels she has been used to for six years now, no more. Because she did not have enough shit to destroy her confidence, now she has to overcome being let go from a job she excelled in. The top in her position three years in a row, suddenly gone. There is no confidence remaining. Her pride is decimated, her will broken. How can I expect her to give me anything, when she cannot find the strength to give herself the slightest bit?
Where are you overall?
I do not know. I make this out to sound terrible that the woman I am married to is an awful person, but she is not. She is rather stunning. A perfect circle of chaos. And perhaps that is why I love her so, and why I continue to lie for us about that victorious moment, when she breaks through that final obstacle and woos me again.
Then I believe we should go back to the beginning. no filters. It's just you and me now. The gloves need to come off. I think we will find the right path in doing this. That you will see the light at the end of that infamous tunnel we all seek. But first, you need to think about some things. You need to find that young soul, standing next to his bride nearly 11 years ago, and ask yourself why you said, "I do."
Give me some time. I want to make this right.
I'll be here, when you are ready to proceed.
You have always been there.
A trend we can both agree to continue.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Post: Week Seven
I think it best to let you free write. But not to me, to them and all of those you wish to communicate with. Do not ask questions. Do not expect answers. Avoid eye contact, and just open up; because, you're needed now more than ever, and someone needs to be the other's rock. Understood? Now...begin.
We were able to get past the initial shock of it. K, not having much to go on, allowed her dream to step in front of her disappointment of me. We powered on knowing that,k regardless of how I took it, our family is finally coming to a close. Us versus the world. My daughter took the news so well. "Sister brother in mommy's belly, yes?" I am still amazed how loving and smart that little girl is. K did not get morning sickness again. She did not get it with Baby Girl either, so we were leaning towards another girl brewing inside her belly. I was relieved. Aside from the obvious, just give me a healthy baby and I'll be happy, having a boy scares the hell out of me. Not having a father myself, and the only thing remaining, an Uncle that acted like a child, doesn't cut the right mold to me for being a father. At least not a good one.
We started to think about names, mostly K was doing the names; because, me being a writer (or a shadow of what a writer might be) I am bound to suggest something like, Aidan Starpuncher or Chysalia Culliver Riddick. It's a baby! No, She is the chosen squad leader of Alpha Nine and our only hope! Needless to say, we have big plans. Baby Girl has big plans too. She has talked nonstop about having a sister to play with, show how to bake imaginary dishes in her kitchen, eat Play dough in secret, swan dive into her ball pit without breaking a bone. This crazy idea of having a family with a woman from another country who has battled me for the last ten years is actually going to happen.
TWO DAYS can change a man. More importantly, two days can destroy a woman who begins to spot more consistently than expected. A single trip to the OBGYN can lead to a phone call flooded with tears, an uproar of emotions that you just know, right from the gate, is bad news. They cannot hear a heartbeat. Her spotting is heavier. The old-school doctor, standing in for our regular one, lays a bombshell on my wife in the coldest matter-of-fact way one could and devastates her on the table. Again, I am not there for her. I am at work, but I could have gone with her. I did not expect anything bad to follow this, spotting was normal as explained to us upfront. This was different. When she called me, I immediately went to her. We nearby at a park and she fell into my arms. I am thinking, during the drive there, please do not let me say the wrong thing this time. K is in such a fragile state and my tongue can so often be hammer-like, a single word could break her forever.
Do not make this about me. Do not blame her inadvertently. Do not say anything, just be there for her. It's the first time in the 12 year relationship that my actions will solely dictate another's. Forget about how I feel for now. But, there is something going on inside me that I am not familiar with. Plenty of time for me to twist things around and break them down, bit by bit, later. Tell her everything will be OK.
"Everything will be all right."
Tell her this is not her fault.
"This is not your fault or mine. It's just something that can happen to anyone."
Good. They are not tears directed at me. Somehow, I still feel like they are or, at least, they should be. That momentary pause I mentioned at the start, it's starting to scream out at me. I brought this upon us...upon her...that (this) isn't what I meant.
A rush of emotions start to rush up my spine (although I am beginning to feel more and more like I haven't had one in years), through my stomach and rocket towards my brain. I cannot allow this. I am unstable as it is. So I catch the emotion as it hits my throat and I swallow it down. I do this because K needs me to be better, stronger, more realistic now. She needs a man. She needs a rock to cry upon that can also sustain her weakened knees and catch her if she falls. I am happy to report, I am a solid foundation. Except...where did the emotion in me go? Never having to do this type of thing before, I am without direction for my role in all this. Should I too not mourn?
If I am unaffected by this, will this translate with K as me being heartless or, worse, glad that it happened? Why do I feel like there is no way for me to emerge from this looking like a protective man and smelling like a bush filled of roses? And now a series of doubt begin to formulate in my brain. Questions that should never be there before or after, and I do not seem to know whether or not they were self inflicted or sub plots that come with every story in marriage. And this is where I am today. My wife is waiting for the onset of pangs that generate the blood flow and bring forth that miscarriage the Doctors are promising, two to four weeks of this hell should be expected they tell her. For her, the waiting and clinging on to hope that this is all just a clever guise to hide the real fact our baby is still in there, healthy as an Ox and developing nicely. (I too hope for this, but the odds are in our favor this time)
She breaks into tears every ten minutes or so telling me, "I am not coping well with this." And my heart bleeds for her. I hold her and kiss her on the head and tell her any one of the automated responses, and I hope for the best. I hope that this doesn't ruin her. I hope that this doesn't add on more pounds and I hope she doesn't seek out comfort food like she did when we first got together. I hope she doesn't blame herself for something no one can do anything about. A dark ominous cloud brews in the distance. I know it's coming. It has always come after a major incident in her life. There is not enough love to weather its storm. The timing could not be any worse. The only way we come through this bruised but alive and well is to cling to one another and embrace the challenge together; however, K and I have always been at arms length for whatever reason. Am I concerned? Yes. Not for a sack that has no baby inside it, but for the two people who need each other to make sure a baby is there the next time, and that is my real worry now. I don't know if she has what it takes to pull through this. The happiest time in a married couples life has flipped on us now, bringing with it a dark age I am not prepped for to survive.
Where are you now? What do you mean? I mean, are you with her or still at arms length? Within reach. I can feel her breath against my face, and her tears pool at my toes. So you are closer to her now than you have been in, what, seven years? I am being judge, even now as she mourns. She is judging me. Waiting for me to make this about me. If I steer clear from accusations, she will carry on as always. I am hoping for more- a lot more. If ever there was a time she needed me, it is now. If I come carry her through this and my status remains the same...It would be my own personal miscarriage. Then do what your wife appears to not be doing. Keep honesty as the driving force of this unfortunate time and show your wife you are a man who loves his family and has long put down his demons. this is an awful time for you both. Embrace it. Let her know through your touch and your love that this is not the end, but the beginning of something more incredible. A new start for you both. Metaphorically speaking, to cleanse the soul and start anew free from anger or spite. Love her, and she will have no other choice but to love you back. As it should have been all these years. If not, she will have proven without a doubt that her love is not the love you need. Now, go to her with any one of your automated replies and tell her you love her.
MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...
Seven weeks ago I was told I would be a father again. I...was...nearly ready. I failed her again. I did not jump for joy and hug her and say to her how happy the news made me. She cried- again. I ask myself everyday what can I do to make her smile, yet, somehow, I always end up making her cry her mascara off into her pillow. The first time was mostly intentional, but I was being selfish and wanted to hurt her, because I still had old wounds bleeding out. This time, there was no malice or malcontent. I wanted to have another child with her. I made the commitment and promised to be there for her this time; but, I failed. Destined to repeat the same cruel melody and not even try, which makes it a natural offense and not an instinctive one that I am desperate to exorcise.
We were able to get past the initial shock of it. K, not having much to go on, allowed her dream to step in front of her disappointment of me. We powered on knowing that,k regardless of how I took it, our family is finally coming to a close. Us versus the world. My daughter took the news so well. "Sister brother in mommy's belly, yes?" I am still amazed how loving and smart that little girl is. K did not get morning sickness again. She did not get it with Baby Girl either, so we were leaning towards another girl brewing inside her belly. I was relieved. Aside from the obvious, just give me a healthy baby and I'll be happy, having a boy scares the hell out of me. Not having a father myself, and the only thing remaining, an Uncle that acted like a child, doesn't cut the right mold to me for being a father. At least not a good one.
We started to think about names, mostly K was doing the names; because, me being a writer (or a shadow of what a writer might be) I am bound to suggest something like, Aidan Starpuncher or Chysalia Culliver Riddick. It's a baby! No, She is the chosen squad leader of Alpha Nine and our only hope! Needless to say, we have big plans. Baby Girl has big plans too. She has talked nonstop about having a sister to play with, show how to bake imaginary dishes in her kitchen, eat Play dough in secret, swan dive into her ball pit without breaking a bone. This crazy idea of having a family with a woman from another country who has battled me for the last ten years is actually going to happen.
TWO DAYS can change a man. More importantly, two days can destroy a woman who begins to spot more consistently than expected. A single trip to the OBGYN can lead to a phone call flooded with tears, an uproar of emotions that you just know, right from the gate, is bad news. They cannot hear a heartbeat. Her spotting is heavier. The old-school doctor, standing in for our regular one, lays a bombshell on my wife in the coldest matter-of-fact way one could and devastates her on the table. Again, I am not there for her. I am at work, but I could have gone with her. I did not expect anything bad to follow this, spotting was normal as explained to us upfront. This was different. When she called me, I immediately went to her. We nearby at a park and she fell into my arms. I am thinking, during the drive there, please do not let me say the wrong thing this time. K is in such a fragile state and my tongue can so often be hammer-like, a single word could break her forever.
Do not make this about me. Do not blame her inadvertently. Do not say anything, just be there for her. It's the first time in the 12 year relationship that my actions will solely dictate another's. Forget about how I feel for now. But, there is something going on inside me that I am not familiar with. Plenty of time for me to twist things around and break them down, bit by bit, later. Tell her everything will be OK.
"Everything will be all right."
Tell her this is not her fault.
"This is not your fault or mine. It's just something that can happen to anyone."
Good. They are not tears directed at me. Somehow, I still feel like they are or, at least, they should be. That momentary pause I mentioned at the start, it's starting to scream out at me. I brought this upon us...upon her...that (this) isn't what I meant.
A rush of emotions start to rush up my spine (although I am beginning to feel more and more like I haven't had one in years), through my stomach and rocket towards my brain. I cannot allow this. I am unstable as it is. So I catch the emotion as it hits my throat and I swallow it down. I do this because K needs me to be better, stronger, more realistic now. She needs a man. She needs a rock to cry upon that can also sustain her weakened knees and catch her if she falls. I am happy to report, I am a solid foundation. Except...where did the emotion in me go? Never having to do this type of thing before, I am without direction for my role in all this. Should I too not mourn?
If I am unaffected by this, will this translate with K as me being heartless or, worse, glad that it happened? Why do I feel like there is no way for me to emerge from this looking like a protective man and smelling like a bush filled of roses? And now a series of doubt begin to formulate in my brain. Questions that should never be there before or after, and I do not seem to know whether or not they were self inflicted or sub plots that come with every story in marriage. And this is where I am today. My wife is waiting for the onset of pangs that generate the blood flow and bring forth that miscarriage the Doctors are promising, two to four weeks of this hell should be expected they tell her. For her, the waiting and clinging on to hope that this is all just a clever guise to hide the real fact our baby is still in there, healthy as an Ox and developing nicely. (I too hope for this, but the odds are in our favor this time)
She breaks into tears every ten minutes or so telling me, "I am not coping well with this." And my heart bleeds for her. I hold her and kiss her on the head and tell her any one of the automated responses, and I hope for the best. I hope that this doesn't ruin her. I hope that this doesn't add on more pounds and I hope she doesn't seek out comfort food like she did when we first got together. I hope she doesn't blame herself for something no one can do anything about. A dark ominous cloud brews in the distance. I know it's coming. It has always come after a major incident in her life. There is not enough love to weather its storm. The timing could not be any worse. The only way we come through this bruised but alive and well is to cling to one another and embrace the challenge together; however, K and I have always been at arms length for whatever reason. Am I concerned? Yes. Not for a sack that has no baby inside it, but for the two people who need each other to make sure a baby is there the next time, and that is my real worry now. I don't know if she has what it takes to pull through this. The happiest time in a married couples life has flipped on us now, bringing with it a dark age I am not prepped for to survive.
Where are you now? What do you mean? I mean, are you with her or still at arms length? Within reach. I can feel her breath against my face, and her tears pool at my toes. So you are closer to her now than you have been in, what, seven years? I am being judge, even now as she mourns. She is judging me. Waiting for me to make this about me. If I steer clear from accusations, she will carry on as always. I am hoping for more- a lot more. If ever there was a time she needed me, it is now. If I come carry her through this and my status remains the same...It would be my own personal miscarriage. Then do what your wife appears to not be doing. Keep honesty as the driving force of this unfortunate time and show your wife you are a man who loves his family and has long put down his demons. this is an awful time for you both. Embrace it. Let her know through your touch and your love that this is not the end, but the beginning of something more incredible. A new start for you both. Metaphorically speaking, to cleanse the soul and start anew free from anger or spite. Love her, and she will have no other choice but to love you back. As it should have been all these years. If not, she will have proven without a doubt that her love is not the love you need. Now, go to her with any one of your automated replies and tell her you love her.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
And Just Like That, It happened.
MIRROR, MIRROR, on the Blog...
Today it's just me talking. I need you to listen and reserve your opinions, for now. Everything I have ever done in my marriage, my life, and all those things outside that may have been affected by my actions, bring me to this moment now. This moment in which I confess that I will, once more, be a father. My head is scrambled right now, cluttered with more things than I can think to put down here, expressing them to you and in this forum in which we have found a new, brave, way in which to communicate. I'm not perfect, far from it as we all tend to admit to one another. I am scared as hell, for many reasons not contained to my own selfish wants or needs. I am much more prepared this time around, but still miles away from where I need to be. I need financial comfort. Spousal support, now more than ever. I need promises no one seems to remember to fill. I need...all of you to understand, even if you don't.
So, today, I am going to just lay down the positives, because there will be plenty of time to complain. I will be someone else's dad in nine months or so. I think my Daughter can vouch for me that I am a pretty damn good father, so I am good there. I have my concerns about it being a boy though, mainly that I am not geared to raise a boy. I think this mostly stems from not having a father myself, so raising a girl sounds like a snap. Give them lots of love and break bones when the time comes that boys start to try and ruin her life. Easy. But a boy, there is that "manly" step a father has to pass down to his son and I simply don't have it. Not sure how to explain "manly" to you either. I guess you would have to be fatherless in order to get it. People and peers will lend their support and tell me that I will be fine, as an automatic gesture to avoid telling me."yeah, you're pretty much fucked pal."
I've been heard saying things like I do not want a boy and I am not sure if I could love a boy the same way I love my daughter, and I get the expected reaction with glares and stares and tears from the wife who thinks I am being cruel. She doesn't get it. Not many will. I cannot help the way I feel, and maybe it will go away if a boy lands in my hands in January or February...if we are still around to welcome it into the world. I've also finished my first short story...I know...I have wrote many stories over the years, some finished but mostly incomplete works of genius. It's called The Gospel of Judas and is inspired by the Tales From A Motel blog a handful of people actually read. It feels right- a story from beginning to end that I wrote myself. Something about this one makes me eager to get it out there and see if publishers feel as strongly about it as I do. If not, there is always Kindle.
It's weird to feel partially content, almost like waking up from a deep long sleep with one side of your body numb and unresponsive...The "could be a girl" side that is eager to see is already planning on other things, like making enough money to have two children equally happy. It's not much to ask, even in today's world. But, if it's a boy...I honestly don't know...Clearly I will not shut down and cower in a corner, but I am not sure if a boy will have quite the happy life as my daughter; because, both its parents had terrible fucking fathers...ultimately, like any parent, I want a healthy baby, regardless of sex, and that is what's most important to me...I'm just tripping out a little...I am sure I will recover as I did with my daughter and, like I mentioned, she is good, healthy, and extremely happy.
Thanks for listening...
Good luck. You too buddy.
I've been heard saying things like I do not want a boy and I am not sure if I could love a boy the same way I love my daughter, and I get the expected reaction with glares and stares and tears from the wife who thinks I am being cruel. She doesn't get it. Not many will. I cannot help the way I feel, and maybe it will go away if a boy lands in my hands in January or February...if we are still around to welcome it into the world. I've also finished my first short story...I know...I have wrote many stories over the years, some finished but mostly incomplete works of genius. It's called The Gospel of Judas and is inspired by the Tales From A Motel blog a handful of people actually read. It feels right- a story from beginning to end that I wrote myself. Something about this one makes me eager to get it out there and see if publishers feel as strongly about it as I do. If not, there is always Kindle.
It's weird to feel partially content, almost like waking up from a deep long sleep with one side of your body numb and unresponsive...The "could be a girl" side that is eager to see is already planning on other things, like making enough money to have two children equally happy. It's not much to ask, even in today's world. But, if it's a boy...I honestly don't know...Clearly I will not shut down and cower in a corner, but I am not sure if a boy will have quite the happy life as my daughter; because, both its parents had terrible fucking fathers...ultimately, like any parent, I want a healthy baby, regardless of sex, and that is what's most important to me...I'm just tripping out a little...I am sure I will recover as I did with my daughter and, like I mentioned, she is good, healthy, and extremely happy.
Thanks for listening...
Good luck. You too buddy.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
A Setback of Sorts
MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...
You look bruised. What gave it away? Your fingers stuttered just a little on the keys. I gather things are not well. The heart's a mess. Just when I think things are moving along, when I risk impregnating her again, when all signs appear GO, but that one meter suggest something might be a little "off"...I go and have a meltdown. You had a reaction then? I did. Timing wasn't the best either-is it ever? My wife planned a grilling session with some of her friends yesterday, which is fine, but she gets into this "CAN DO" mode where she is so focused on the task at hand that she completely bulldozes everyone in her path. We are supposed to be working on communication and she claims she has progressed so much, but I just don't see it. This mode is exactly what I mean, when I tell you that I would give her up in a heartbeat for someone who would show me a minutes worth of interest and respect. Still? Like I've said before, I don't like it. That is just how I feel.
Perhaps a visual is in order. Show me how you felt about this moment you had with her, then we will talk more about it. I'll try.
I see. Lyrically, this is my marriage as a whole. Emotionally, I feel cast at sea, afloat on my back staring up to an open sky, waiting to be rescued. The waters are shark infested, cold against my skin and freezing me from the outside in. Yet, energetically speaking, I can remain here forever, floating, waiting, for something to happen along and scoop me up from the abyss and save me from this potential of drowning in my own sorrow. That is a powerful image without the video. Sorry, I like the song too. So, tell me, about this gathering? That isn't really as important as the outcome, which was I lost my cool and pushed her over the edge again. But, this time, it was not for the same reason as it once was. Once, I would do this to her because I wanted to make her hurt on the inside. This time, it was me hurting on the inside. I have taken on so much recently to prove to her that we are lovers AND friends AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, a family.
Yet, you both have not come to agree on this. In my own opinion, I am closer now than I was when I said, "I do." Much has changed and times along with it. I am going on 34 and committed to enjoying however much time I have left on this planet. Yet, you still remain lost at sea. Hope floats. Only in the movies, sir. Your waiting to be saved, while digging your trench even deeper with trying to have another child with this woman you still cannot connect with on a deep emotional level. You have clearly tried all that you know how to, and she still continued to evade you. Are you two having more meaningful conversations? No. Are you spending more time with one another? No. Are you making love more? Yes, but not in the way I would like. It's more purpose driven to get pregnant, I think. You have to break a little Scott. I appreciate the analogy and the emphasizing of hope and all that, but you have to accept some things that do not appear to be changing...at least not quick enough for you. What if I am wrong about it all? What if she is making strides and I am just too selfish to see them? What if I was a real separate personality speaking to you, instead of an extension of your own consciousness that you have somehow blocked off from the rest of your brain for moral guidance and support? Putting it that way, you make me sound a little bit off my rocker.
My prescription for you then is this, focus on you and your family but do so with equal love and support. Maybe your wife has made strides with her therapy and it not revolve around you. Maybe she needs to take the scenic route in getting back to you, instead of the shortest path possible. The love is there, this much is clear to me AND you. And quit floating man, there is bound to be dry land somewhere. Swim, swim, swim!
You look bruised. What gave it away? Your fingers stuttered just a little on the keys. I gather things are not well. The heart's a mess. Just when I think things are moving along, when I risk impregnating her again, when all signs appear GO, but that one meter suggest something might be a little "off"...I go and have a meltdown. You had a reaction then? I did. Timing wasn't the best either-is it ever? My wife planned a grilling session with some of her friends yesterday, which is fine, but she gets into this "CAN DO" mode where she is so focused on the task at hand that she completely bulldozes everyone in her path. We are supposed to be working on communication and she claims she has progressed so much, but I just don't see it. This mode is exactly what I mean, when I tell you that I would give her up in a heartbeat for someone who would show me a minutes worth of interest and respect. Still? Like I've said before, I don't like it. That is just how I feel.
Perhaps a visual is in order. Show me how you felt about this moment you had with her, then we will talk more about it. I'll try.
Yet, you both have not come to agree on this. In my own opinion, I am closer now than I was when I said, "I do." Much has changed and times along with it. I am going on 34 and committed to enjoying however much time I have left on this planet. Yet, you still remain lost at sea. Hope floats. Only in the movies, sir. Your waiting to be saved, while digging your trench even deeper with trying to have another child with this woman you still cannot connect with on a deep emotional level. You have clearly tried all that you know how to, and she still continued to evade you. Are you two having more meaningful conversations? No. Are you spending more time with one another? No. Are you making love more? Yes, but not in the way I would like. It's more purpose driven to get pregnant, I think. You have to break a little Scott. I appreciate the analogy and the emphasizing of hope and all that, but you have to accept some things that do not appear to be changing...at least not quick enough for you. What if I am wrong about it all? What if she is making strides and I am just too selfish to see them? What if I was a real separate personality speaking to you, instead of an extension of your own consciousness that you have somehow blocked off from the rest of your brain for moral guidance and support? Putting it that way, you make me sound a little bit off my rocker.
My prescription for you then is this, focus on you and your family but do so with equal love and support. Maybe your wife has made strides with her therapy and it not revolve around you. Maybe she needs to take the scenic route in getting back to you, instead of the shortest path possible. The love is there, this much is clear to me AND you. And quit floating man, there is bound to be dry land somewhere. Swim, swim, swim!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Lazy Day
Mirror, Mirror on the blog...
Judging by the look on your face and the pink flesh tone around your cheeks and the jumping eyelid, I'd speculate you have had a stellar day. A real five star motherfucking day, doc. Speaking of motherfucking, how are things going on baby number 2? My daughter referred to her hand this evening in the bath as "sister". I told her she should probably think of a name for sister as that is the only likely tangible sibling she will have at this rate. "Gentlemen, I present you...The Titanic!" Mocking me now are we? I figure a little humor is needed from time to time. You want to tell me about this "Five star" day of yours then? Started off at four thirty in the fucking morning! Wife caught the bug my daughter seems to keep around, for those days when a little room is found to commit to matrimonial glue, sucking the life out of my wife, who dedicates every waking moment to her, only to crash hard herself; Wakes me up with the loudest, most terrifying snore I ever heard. It was like I rolled to the side and fell into a portal that warped me inside the cave of an angry grizzly bear, deeply hibernating and dreaming about being attacked by rabid swine! I woke her several times asking if she could please choke that fucking Hemi motor caught in her nasal passage so I could sleep, which did no good at all. "I'm sick, I cannot help it." No, you're fat and can help it had you any self respect for yourself and others! Sensing some hostility. So I say, "Fuck it." and get up to shower and work on impregnating the shower, when I step out to silence. The whole bedroom was peaceful and still. So I lay back down to try and catch a few more z's when, the moment I slip off, SNORRRREEEE!!! Timing is a little off. I'll say. I get up and get out of the house to leave for work as quickly as possible. Look, you don't understand- Help me try. -If it's not my wife snoring, it's our daughter in the bed with us, driving her feet into the small of my back, rolling into my side to the point I flinch in my sleep to, "Ouch! Daddy Hit me!" I wake up, panicked that I just hooked my daughter in the jaw, clutching at my chest in case a stroke looms, only to see her slip back into la-la land. I have not slept soundly in nearly three years. And you know what flicks my taint the most? I cannot say anything. NOTHING.
So you are work bound and tired- Fuck that! I am not just tired. I am stressed out of my goddamn mind! Have you any idea how disrespectful and insulting it is to have my wife listen to me explain how I have to juggle a department of 6 people, doing the work of 12, listening to them bitch and moan about the amount of work they have to do, meet deadlines on end of month reports with half ass spreadsheet that never pull all the data needed, while trying not to tell a customer, "I do not fucking care how long it took a repair for your machine, nor does it give you the right to cuss me like I am responsible for the shitty repair a non-English speaking Mexican did to your Japanese computer!"? AND come home instantly to a bratty child who wants me to play "horsey" with her the second I come in, AND not even hear my wife say hello or kiss me or jerk me off in a corner in the kitchen or SOMETHING! I get, "Can you mow the lawn again? I want to go out in the backyard and need you to pick up dog shit, wash the porch, mow the lawn please. Also, tomorrow, I am going to my shrink for much of the morning, then we are going to an all Polish Easter thing at church (Because suddenly she likes traditions!) then when we get home I need you to clean the carpets, mow the front lawn, take my car to get fixed, and watch our daughter while I recoup from this sickness. JUST SO I CAN go back to work on Monday refreshed. Sensing sarcasm at the end there. To sum up your day, you went to work tired and cranky, got hit with a ton of things as a manager, got dissed by the wife when you came home, because she thinks your job is easy and (try working my job AND being a mother routine) asked to do more work, forgetting that her snoring woke you 3 hours earlier than usual? You sound like my wife. There is much more to it than that.
When is the last time you made love to your wife? three weeks ago today. Look, you think I enjoy saying shit like impregnating the shower? Yes, it's funny but I have to say these things to keep from...Yes? Whatever. All I know the more this curtain of bullshit is lifted, the more I can see that my wife is to destroy me. I love you too, honey. What else am I supposed to think? Let me bullet point it for you.
Pros
Goodnight you. I am still pulling for you to right the ship. Even though it has already sank? Maybe you can tread water, in case someone is out there...searching for you...if you know what I mean.
Judging by the look on your face and the pink flesh tone around your cheeks and the jumping eyelid, I'd speculate you have had a stellar day. A real five star motherfucking day, doc. Speaking of motherfucking, how are things going on baby number 2? My daughter referred to her hand this evening in the bath as "sister". I told her she should probably think of a name for sister as that is the only likely tangible sibling she will have at this rate. "Gentlemen, I present you...The Titanic!" Mocking me now are we? I figure a little humor is needed from time to time. You want to tell me about this "Five star" day of yours then? Started off at four thirty in the fucking morning! Wife caught the bug my daughter seems to keep around, for those days when a little room is found to commit to matrimonial glue, sucking the life out of my wife, who dedicates every waking moment to her, only to crash hard herself; Wakes me up with the loudest, most terrifying snore I ever heard. It was like I rolled to the side and fell into a portal that warped me inside the cave of an angry grizzly bear, deeply hibernating and dreaming about being attacked by rabid swine! I woke her several times asking if she could please choke that fucking Hemi motor caught in her nasal passage so I could sleep, which did no good at all. "I'm sick, I cannot help it." No, you're fat and can help it had you any self respect for yourself and others! Sensing some hostility. So I say, "Fuck it." and get up to shower and work on impregnating the shower, when I step out to silence. The whole bedroom was peaceful and still. So I lay back down to try and catch a few more z's when, the moment I slip off, SNORRRREEEE!!! Timing is a little off. I'll say. I get up and get out of the house to leave for work as quickly as possible. Look, you don't understand- Help me try. -If it's not my wife snoring, it's our daughter in the bed with us, driving her feet into the small of my back, rolling into my side to the point I flinch in my sleep to, "Ouch! Daddy Hit me!" I wake up, panicked that I just hooked my daughter in the jaw, clutching at my chest in case a stroke looms, only to see her slip back into la-la land. I have not slept soundly in nearly three years. And you know what flicks my taint the most? I cannot say anything. NOTHING.
So you are work bound and tired- Fuck that! I am not just tired. I am stressed out of my goddamn mind! Have you any idea how disrespectful and insulting it is to have my wife listen to me explain how I have to juggle a department of 6 people, doing the work of 12, listening to them bitch and moan about the amount of work they have to do, meet deadlines on end of month reports with half ass spreadsheet that never pull all the data needed, while trying not to tell a customer, "I do not fucking care how long it took a repair for your machine, nor does it give you the right to cuss me like I am responsible for the shitty repair a non-English speaking Mexican did to your Japanese computer!"? AND come home instantly to a bratty child who wants me to play "horsey" with her the second I come in, AND not even hear my wife say hello or kiss me or jerk me off in a corner in the kitchen or SOMETHING! I get, "Can you mow the lawn again? I want to go out in the backyard and need you to pick up dog shit, wash the porch, mow the lawn please. Also, tomorrow, I am going to my shrink for much of the morning, then we are going to an all Polish Easter thing at church (Because suddenly she likes traditions!) then when we get home I need you to clean the carpets, mow the front lawn, take my car to get fixed, and watch our daughter while I recoup from this sickness. JUST SO I CAN go back to work on Monday refreshed. Sensing sarcasm at the end there. To sum up your day, you went to work tired and cranky, got hit with a ton of things as a manager, got dissed by the wife when you came home, because she thinks your job is easy and (try working my job AND being a mother routine) asked to do more work, forgetting that her snoring woke you 3 hours earlier than usual? You sound like my wife. There is much more to it than that.
When is the last time you made love to your wife? three weeks ago today. Look, you think I enjoy saying shit like impregnating the shower? Yes, it's funny but I have to say these things to keep from...Yes? Whatever. All I know the more this curtain of bullshit is lifted, the more I can see that my wife is to destroy me. I love you too, honey. What else am I supposed to think? Let me bullet point it for you.
- No sex
- trying to have another child (see above)
- trying to build on the little remaining love (see aboves)
Pros
- Sex
- Complete family circle
- Not heaving sex often enough
- wife is 37
- wife is overweight
- wife has high uterus (which makes getting pregnant more difficult)
- Higher risk of defected babies (fuck you, I do not want retarded children.)
- wife is always tired (because all of her energy goes into being a mommy)
- baby always sick, when she is not sick the wife is. (outcome. See bullet one)
- wife growing more distant from me.
- I am growing more distant form wife
- wife needs to lose weight to have easier pregnancy
- wife not losing weight. (see aboves)
- sex drive is drying up (for us both)
- not getting that old, but feel THAT old
Goodnight you. I am still pulling for you to right the ship. Even though it has already sank? Maybe you can tread water, in case someone is out there...searching for you...if you know what I mean.
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