Post: Week Seven

I think it best to let you free write. But not to me, to them and all of those you wish to communicate with. Do not ask questions. Do not expect answers. Avoid eye contact, and just open up; because, you're needed now more than ever, and someone needs to be the other's rock. Understood? Now...begin. 

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...

Seven weeks ago I was told I would be a father again. I...was...nearly ready. I failed her again. I did not jump for joy and hug her and say to her how happy the news made me. She cried- again. I ask myself everyday what can I do to make her smile, yet, somehow, I always end up making her cry her mascara off into her pillow. The first time was mostly intentional, but I was being selfish and wanted to hurt her, because I still had old wounds bleeding out. This time, there was no malice or malcontent. I wanted to have another child with her. I made the commitment and promised to be there for her this time; but, I failed. Destined to repeat the same cruel melody and not even try, which makes it a natural offense and not an instinctive one that I am desperate to exorcise. 

We were able to get past the initial shock of it. K, not having much to go on, allowed her dream to step in front of her disappointment of me. We powered on knowing that,k regardless of how I took it, our family is finally coming to a close. Us versus the world. My daughter took the news so well. "Sister brother in mommy's belly, yes?" I am still amazed how loving and smart that little girl is. K did not get morning sickness again. She did not get it with Baby Girl either, so we were leaning towards another girl brewing inside her belly. I was relieved. Aside from the obvious, just give me a healthy baby and I'll be happy, having a boy scares the hell out of me. Not having a father myself, and the only thing remaining, an Uncle that acted like a child, doesn't cut the right mold to me for being a father. At least not a good one.

We started to think about names, mostly K was doing the names; because, me being a writer (or a shadow of what a writer might be) I am bound to suggest something like, Aidan Starpuncher or Chysalia Culliver Riddick. It's a baby! No, She is the chosen squad leader of Alpha Nine and our only hope! Needless to say, we have big plans. Baby Girl has big plans too. She has talked nonstop about having a sister to play with, show how to bake imaginary dishes in her kitchen, eat Play dough in secret, swan dive into her ball pit without breaking a bone. This crazy idea of having a family with a woman from another country who has battled me for the last ten years is actually going to happen.

TWO DAYS can change a man. More importantly, two days can destroy a woman who begins to spot more consistently than expected. A single trip to the OBGYN can lead to a phone call flooded with tears, an uproar of emotions that you just know, right from the gate, is bad news. They cannot hear a heartbeat. Her spotting is heavier. The old-school doctor, standing in for our regular one, lays a bombshell on my wife in the coldest matter-of-fact way one could and devastates her on the table. Again, I am not there for her. I am at work, but I could have gone with her. I did not expect anything bad to follow this, spotting was normal as explained to us upfront. This was different. When she called me, I immediately went to her. We nearby at a park and she fell into my arms. I am thinking, during the drive there, please do not let me say the wrong thing this time. K is in such a fragile state and my tongue can so often be hammer-like, a single word could break her forever.

Do not make this about me. Do not blame her inadvertently. Do not say anything, just be there for her. It's the first time in the 12 year relationship that my actions will solely dictate another's. Forget about how I feel for now. But, there is something going on inside me that I am not familiar with. Plenty of time for me to twist things around and break them down, bit by bit, later. Tell her everything will be OK.
"Everything will be all right."
Tell her this is not her fault.
"This is not your fault or mine. It's just something that can happen to anyone."
Good. They are not tears directed at me. Somehow, I still feel like they are or, at least, they should be. That momentary pause I mentioned at the start, it's starting to scream out at me. I brought this upon us...upon her...that (this) isn't what I meant.

A rush of emotions start to rush up my spine (although I am beginning to feel more and more like I haven't had one in years), through my stomach and rocket towards my brain. I cannot allow this. I am unstable as it is. So I catch the emotion as it hits my throat and I swallow it down. I do this because K needs me to be better, stronger, more realistic now. She needs a man. She needs a rock to cry upon that can also sustain her weakened knees and catch her if she falls. I am happy to report, I am a solid foundation. Except...where did the emotion in me go? Never having to do this type of thing before, I am without direction for my role in all this. Should I too not mourn?

If I am unaffected by this, will this translate with K as me being heartless or, worse, glad that it happened? Why do I feel like there is no way for me to emerge from this looking like a protective man and smelling like a bush filled of roses? And now a series of doubt begin to formulate in my brain. Questions that should never be there before or after, and I do not seem to know whether or not they were self inflicted or sub plots that come with every story in marriage. And this is where I am today. My wife is waiting for the onset of pangs that generate the blood flow and bring forth that miscarriage the Doctors are promising, two to four weeks of this hell should be expected they tell her. For her, the waiting and clinging on to hope that this is all just a clever guise to hide the real fact our baby is still in there, healthy as an Ox and developing nicely. (I too hope for this, but the odds are in our favor this time)

She breaks into tears every ten minutes or so telling me, "I am not coping well with this." And my heart bleeds for her. I hold her and kiss her on the head and tell her any one of the automated responses, and I hope for the best. I hope that this doesn't ruin her. I hope that this doesn't add on more pounds and I hope she doesn't seek out comfort food like she did when we first got together. I hope she doesn't blame herself for something no one can do anything about. A dark ominous cloud brews in the distance. I know it's coming. It has always come after a major incident in her life. There is not enough love to weather its storm. The timing could not be any worse. The only way we come through this bruised but alive and well is to cling to one another and embrace the challenge together; however, K and I have always been at arms length for whatever reason.  Am I concerned? Yes. Not for a sack that has no baby inside it, but for the two people who need each other to make sure a baby is there the next time, and that is my real worry now. I don't know if she has what it takes to pull through this. The happiest time in a married couples life has flipped on us now, bringing with it a dark age I am not prepped for to survive.

Where are you now? What do you mean? I mean, are you with her or still at arms length? Within reach. I can feel her breath against my face, and her tears pool at my toes. So you are closer to her now than you have been in, what, seven years? I am being judge, even now as she mourns. She is judging me. Waiting for me to make this about me. If I steer clear from accusations, she will carry on as always. I am hoping for more- a lot more. If ever there was a time she needed me, it is now. If I come carry her through this and my status remains the same...It would be my own personal miscarriage. Then do what your wife appears to not be doing. Keep honesty as the driving force of this unfortunate time and show your wife you are a man who loves his family and has long put down his demons. this is an awful time for you both. Embrace it. Let her know through your touch and your love that this is not the end, but the beginning of something more incredible. A new start for you both. Metaphorically speaking, to cleanse the soul and start anew free from anger or spite. Love her, and she will have no other choice but to love you back. As it should have been all these years. If not, she will have proven without a doubt that her love is not the love you need. Now, go to her with any one of your automated replies and tell her you love her. 

And Just Like That, It happened.

MIRROR, MIRROR, on the Blog...

Today it's just me talking. I need you to listen and reserve your opinions, for now. Everything I have ever done in my marriage, my life, and all those things outside that may have been affected by my actions, bring me to this moment now. This moment in which I confess that I will, once more, be a father. My head is scrambled right now, cluttered with more things than I can think to put down here, expressing them to you and in this forum in which we have found a new, brave, way in which to communicate. I'm not perfect, far from it as we all tend to admit to one another. I am scared as hell, for many reasons not contained to my own selfish wants or needs. I am much more prepared this time around, but still miles away from where I need to be. I need financial comfort. Spousal support, now more than ever. I need promises no one seems to remember to fill. I need...all of you to understand, even if you don't.

So, today, I am going to just lay down the positives, because there will be plenty of time to complain. I will be someone else's dad in nine months or so. I think my Daughter can vouch for me that I am a pretty damn good father, so I am good there. I have my concerns about it being a boy though, mainly that I am not geared to raise a boy. I think this mostly stems from not having a father myself, so raising a girl sounds like a snap. Give them lots of love and break bones when the time comes that boys start to try and ruin her life. Easy. But a boy, there is that "manly" step a father has to pass down to his son and I simply don't have it. Not sure how to explain "manly" to you either. I guess you would have to be fatherless in order to get it. People and peers will lend their support and tell me that I will be fine, as an automatic gesture to avoid telling me."yeah, you're pretty much fucked pal."

I've been heard saying things like I do not want a boy and I am not sure if I could love a boy the same way I love my daughter, and I get the expected reaction with glares and stares and tears from the wife who thinks I am being cruel. She doesn't get it. Not many will. I cannot help the way I feel, and maybe it will go away if a boy lands in my hands in January or February...if we are still around to welcome it into the world. I've also finished my first short story...I know...I have wrote many stories over the years, some finished but mostly incomplete works of genius. It's called The Gospel of Judas and is inspired by the Tales From A Motel blog a handful of people actually read. It feels right- a story from beginning to end that I wrote myself. Something about this one makes me eager to get it out there and see if publishers feel as strongly about it as I do. If not, there is always Kindle.

It's weird to feel partially content, almost like waking up from a deep long sleep with one side of your body numb and unresponsive...The "could be a girl" side that is eager to see is already planning on other things, like making enough money to have two children equally happy. It's not much to ask, even in today's world. But, if it's a boy...I honestly don't know...Clearly I will not shut down and cower in a corner, but I am not sure if a boy will have quite the happy life as my daughter; because, both its parents had terrible fucking fathers...ultimately, like any parent, I want a healthy baby, regardless of sex, and that is what's most important to me...I'm just tripping out a little...I am sure I will recover as I did with my daughter and, like I mentioned, she is good, healthy, and extremely happy.

Thanks for listening...

Good luck.  You too buddy.

A Setback of Sorts

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...


You look bruised. What gave it away? Your fingers stuttered just a little on the keys. I gather things are not well. The heart's a mess. Just when I think things are moving along, when I risk impregnating her again, when all signs appear GO, but that one meter suggest something might be a little "off"...I go and have a meltdown. You had a reaction then? I did. Timing wasn't the best either-is it ever? My wife planned a grilling session with some of her friends yesterday, which is fine, but she gets into this "CAN DO" mode where she is so focused on the task at hand that she completely bulldozes everyone in her path. We are supposed to be working on communication and she claims she has progressed so much, but I just don't see it. This mode is exactly what I mean, when I tell you that I would give her up in a heartbeat for someone who would show me a minutes worth of interest and respect. Still? Like I've said before, I don't like it. That is just how I feel.

Perhaps a visual is in order. Show me how you felt about this moment you had with her, then we will talk more about it. I'll try. 

I see. Lyrically, this is my marriage as a whole. Emotionally, I feel cast at sea, afloat on my back staring up to an open sky, waiting to be rescued. The waters are shark infested, cold against my skin and freezing me from the outside in. Yet, energetically speaking, I can remain here forever, floating, waiting, for something to happen along and scoop me up from the abyss and save me from this potential of drowning in my own sorrow. That is a powerful image without the video. Sorry, I like the song too. So, tell me, about this gathering? That isn't really as important as the outcome, which was I lost my cool and pushed her over the edge again. But, this time, it was not for the same reason as it once was. Once, I would do this to her because I wanted to make her hurt on the inside. This time, it was me hurting on the inside. I have taken on so much recently to prove to her that we are lovers AND friends AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, a family.

Yet, you both have not come to agree on this. In my own opinion, I am closer now than I was when I said, "I do." Much has changed and times along with it. I am going on 34 and committed to enjoying however much time I have left on this planet. Yet, you still remain lost at sea. Hope floats. Only in the movies, sir.  Your waiting to be saved, while digging your trench even deeper with trying to have another child with this woman you still cannot connect with on a deep emotional level. You have clearly tried all that you know how to, and she still continued to evade you. Are you two having more meaningful conversations? No. Are you spending more time with one another? No. Are you making love more? Yes, but not in the way I would like. It's more purpose driven to get pregnant, I think. You have to break a little Scott. I appreciate the analogy and the emphasizing of hope and all that, but you have to accept some things that do not appear to be changing...at least not quick enough for you. What if I am wrong about it all? What if she is making strides and I am just too selfish to see them? What if I was a real separate personality speaking to you, instead of an extension of your own consciousness that you have somehow blocked off from the rest of your brain for moral guidance and support? Putting it that way, you make me sound a little bit off my rocker.

My prescription for you then is this, focus on you and your family but do so with equal love and support. Maybe your wife has made strides with her therapy and it not revolve around you. Maybe she needs to take the scenic route in getting back to you, instead of the shortest path possible. The love is there, this much is clear to me AND you. And quit floating man, there is bound to be dry land somewhere. Swim, swim, swim! 

Lazy Day

Mirror, Mirror on the blog...

Judging by the look on your face and the pink flesh tone around your cheeks and the jumping eyelid, I'd speculate you have had a stellar day. A real five star motherfucking day, doc. Speaking of motherfucking, how are things going on baby number 2? My daughter referred to her hand this evening in the bath as "sister". I told her she should probably think of a name for sister as that is the only likely tangible sibling she will have at this rate. "Gentlemen, I present you...The Titanic!" Mocking me now are we? I figure a little humor is needed from time to time. You want to tell me about this "Five star" day of yours then? Started off at four thirty in the fucking morning! Wife caught the bug my daughter seems to keep around, for those days when a little room is found to commit to matrimonial glue, sucking the life out of my wife, who dedicates every waking moment to her, only to crash hard herself; Wakes me up with the loudest, most terrifying snore I ever heard. It was like I rolled to the side and fell into a portal that warped me inside the cave of an angry grizzly bear, deeply hibernating and dreaming about being attacked by rabid swine! I woke her several times asking if she could please choke that fucking Hemi motor caught in her nasal passage so I could sleep, which did no good at all. "I'm sick, I cannot help it." No, you're fat and can help it had you any self respect for yourself and others! Sensing some hostility. So I say, "Fuck it." and get up to shower and work on impregnating the shower, when I step out to silence. The whole bedroom was peaceful and still. So I lay back down to try and catch a few more z's when, the moment I slip off, SNORRRREEEE!!! Timing is a little off. I'll say. I get up and get out of the house to leave for work as quickly as possible. Look, you don't understand- Help me try. -If it's not my wife snoring, it's our daughter in the bed with us, driving her feet into the small of my back, rolling into my side to the point I flinch in my sleep to, "Ouch! Daddy Hit me!" I wake up, panicked that I just hooked my daughter in the jaw, clutching at my chest in case a stroke looms, only to see her slip back into la-la land. I have not slept soundly in nearly three years. And you know what flicks my taint the most? I cannot say anything. NOTHING.

So you are work bound and tired- Fuck that! I am not just tired. I am stressed out of my goddamn mind! Have you any idea how disrespectful and insulting it is to have my wife listen to me explain how I have to juggle a department of 6 people, doing the work of 12, listening to them bitch and moan about the amount of work they have to do, meet deadlines on end of month reports with half ass spreadsheet that never pull all the data needed, while trying not to tell a customer, "I do not fucking care how long it took a repair for your machine, nor does it give you the right to cuss me like I am responsible for the shitty repair a non-English speaking Mexican did to your Japanese computer!"? AND come home instantly to a bratty child who wants me to play "horsey" with her the second I come in, AND not even hear my wife say hello or kiss me or jerk me off in a corner in the kitchen or SOMETHING! I get, "Can you mow the lawn again? I want to go out in the backyard and need you to pick up dog shit, wash the porch, mow the lawn please. Also, tomorrow, I am going to my shrink for much of the morning, then we are going to an all Polish Easter thing at church (Because suddenly she likes traditions!) then when we get home I need you to clean the carpets, mow the front lawn, take my car to get fixed, and watch our daughter while I recoup from this sickness. JUST SO I CAN go back to work on Monday refreshed. Sensing sarcasm at the end there. To sum up your day, you went to work tired and cranky, got hit with a ton of things as a manager, got dissed by the wife when you came home, because she thinks your job is easy and (try working my job AND being a mother routine) asked to do more work, forgetting that her snoring woke you 3 hours earlier than usual? You sound like my wife. There is much more to it than that.

When is the last time you made love to your wife? three weeks ago today. Look, you think I enjoy saying shit like impregnating the shower? Yes, it's funny but I have to say these things to keep from...Yes? Whatever. All I know the more this curtain of bullshit is lifted, the more I can see that my wife is to destroy me. I love you too, honey. What else am I supposed to think? Let me bullet point it for you.

• No sex
• trying to have another child (see above) 
• trying to build on the little remaining love (see aboves)

Lets focus here. All right. Here are the pros and cons
Pros

• Sex
• Complete family circle

Cons

• Not heaving sex often enough
• wife is 37
• wife is overweight
• wife has high uterus (which makes getting pregnant more difficult)
• Higher risk of defected babies (fuck you, I do not want retarded children.)
• wife is always tired (because all of her energy goes into being a mommy)
• baby always sick, when she is not sick the wife is. (outcome. See bullet one)
• wife growing more distant from me. 
• I am growing more distant form wife
• wife needs to lose weight to have easier pregnancy
• wife not losing weight. (see aboves)
• sex drive is drying up (for us both)
• not getting that old, but feel THAT old

The only thing she can focus on are the cons, adding to them that I must be an asshole and nothing like a concerned man who only want his wife to have the best smoothest pregnancy we can. And she doesn't believe you. YOU don't believe me. I am...A bit bias by proximity. But, yes, I doubt you, sometimes.  So, what now? Now, I am prescribing you sleep. Tomorrow looks to be another long day for you. I am not sure what to do or say for you buddy. I am not sure there are any more suggestions I can give. Your ship sank long ago, Captain. Your ghost just refuses to leave this mortal coil. I just want to make the best of what I've got. And you are. So it would seem...so it wold seem.

Goodnight you. I am still pulling for you to right the ship. Even though it has already sank? Maybe you can tread water, in case someone is out there...searching for you...if you know what I mean.

Mega Balls

MIRROR , MIRROR on the Blog...

Uh oh, you look like hell. Been a long week. Do tell. The more I feel like I am ascending from this hole I've been in, the more my feet and fingers slip from the cracks in the side of the walls, and the higher I climb the less likely there are enough cracks to proceed. Picking yourself up from the ground is not easy to do. Everyday a new challenge awaits. If things are as bad as they seem, surely you did not expect them to improve overnight. I guess that is one of the challenges I did not expect to have. I have said for years now that there is nothing wrong with us, that our core is and has always been intact...but the more aware I become, the more hesitant and aware to our core being broken I become too. Explain. My wife is real high on pointing out the things I do that I never seem to "get". For example, I will come home from work, my mind riff with the day's bullshit and tomorrow's woes that I am in charge of fixing, without losing my mind or what little control I have over the people who report to me. I come home and search out the first thing that will alleviate this stress, my daughter, and then try to get out of my work clothes into something more comfortable, because the second I shut off the engine to my car, I instantly become Daddy and Plaything, while Mommy makes dinner. She talks to me but I do not hear her. I do not hear her because I am too involved with my own voices in my head, making pretend voices with Fairies and Mickey Mouse toys on the playroom floor, to care about anything else being said, which leads to her being upset with me over the important thing I apparently missed out her job. She refuses to repeat herself, because I should have been listening the first time, and then proceeds to be a dick to me for the remainder of the evening. Well, this morning, she comes in from being gone all morning long, sees that the little milk containers she bought for our daughter's school days has been cut open and assumes I used it for my coffee. She assumes this because she has already made up her mind long ago that I am simply disrespectful and inconsiderate to everyone not me, and then proceeds to lash me with "Can you please not use these for your coffee in the morning? I buy them for her school and we have milk in the fridge for coffee." I ignore her, knowing that she has inserted foot deep into her mouth, for the true of to the matter was that there was no straw on this one, so I cut it open for my daughter to drink. She was so focused on getting her point across to me that she did not give a shit about the tiny little facts completely shitting on her heated little rant. IN FACT, she got even more pissed about me correcting her. She then stated that I must have misunderstood her, because her intentions were not to blame me...I simply repeated her words, "Please do not use the milk for your coffee." and asked how exactly I could not have done anything other than assume she blamed me for using the milk for my coffee with those words. I see. So, even when you have clear cut proof that her anger is driven by false assumptions, your wife continues down this same path, altering her own interpretations in order to not apologize for her actions, while continuing to assert herself onto you for something you did not do. Man, you're getting good at this. So what did you do after this? Tried to remain in control of my emotions. I get enough shit from her that is legitimate, I be damned if I will eat the make-believe too. 

So not much improvement then between you two? Actually, no. We have slowly gotten better, but it's been mostly my own, which I know sounds a bit cocky and unfair to say, but I cannot state something that doesn't apply. She has grown in her own turtle-like ways, but I have been making strides with my own pursuit of happiness. How so?  Take the lottery this past week as an example. It hit world records highs and I decided to plug 50 into the company pool at work, which is something I don't normally do, and getting word that we had 2,100 tickets that equates to about 16 million a piece I started to think big, like everyone else was I suppose. Then, the day of the drawing, I had a thought cross my mind during lunch at work. I reached for my phone to call the wife, because I wanted to share this with her, and she was too busy with her mommy friends to listen. Two things happened with this. 

1) I realized that we both might be working towards something, but only one of us made it top priority. 

2) The chance of me winning the lottery, even with the biggest number of tickets ever purchased by me, palled in comparison to the jackpot I had already won a decade ago, when I met my wife. It's this last one that really settled deep inside my heart and soul, and I wanted to desperately share it with the woman who put it there. And she did not feel it important enough to step aside from her social gathering to listen. Exactly. Maybe I am just expecting too much from her. But do you truly believe this yourself? Is she your jackpot or just a series of random chances of hitting the internal jackpot your own insecurities will not allow you to admit to? Are you trying to knock me down? No. I am simply asking those things you do not want to ask, and hope someone else will ask for you. It's a fair question to ask, is it not?  You say that she is your jackpot, but you have squandered it all these years, for whatever reason, throwing it away as though these kinds of things grew on trees, flaunting in some cases to others of what you have and never really knowing for sure yourself. Admittedly, she is a wonderful woman, when all the correct cylinders are turning and firing in perfect timing. The very fact she never accepted your perspective on her coming home and blaming you shows that either she feels nothing ill happened between you, or that you are simply making up a defense to cover for that ultimate asshole your wife thinks you are. So, did you win this jackpot or did she? What do you mean?

Your wife has not once admitted fault to you. She has only restated the facts as she sees them, implying that, even if something wrong had occurred, the misconception was brought on by a previous notion that you put there for her. She has, in a sense, hit the lottery of excuses she was running thin on before. Sure, she might have done wrong, but had you not done it before multiple times, she would never have assumed it was you the moment she walked in the door. If *you* had done your due diligence as a man and a proper husband, she would not have to work so hard on being this supreme asshole you can't seem to live without. Maybe, with this explanation, you both are winners, while being total losers at the same time. So, you are telling me that my emotions are not only wrong, but misleading in such a way that I have managed to see through the walls, lost in my own fantasy, in order to thrive within a corroded marriage? I am a subconscious mirror of yourself, I am not telling you anything you don't already know or think outside this open fantasy of yours. So, to close this metaphor, Mirror, mirror on the Blog...Who is the most unlucky person of them all? 

The little girl who is oblivious to this. She has a mother and a father who loves her more than anything this world has to offer, including half a billion dollars. So in that, you both are the luckiest  persons in her world, because her world is one that flourishes on something other than money, and the one thing no amount of money could ever buy...her love. 

:(

MIRROR, MIRROR on the Blog...

She got her period today. Oh, good news then? Strangely, no. She has been acting very odd recently, feeling awful and showing symptoms of being pregnant, and I guess...I guess I got a little excited. Even knowing all that you have told me? I think so. Yes. I was hoping you would have, somehow, disconnected whatever wire that runs to my heart and sensitive bits by now, so I could fend off any emotion. I am beginning to think you are attempting some type of reverse psychology on me, which appears to be effective and annoying at once. Such is life. It hurts, you know. I have been strung along a spiked fence for a long time. Yet, you still allow it to happen, for whatever reason. Stupid? Foolish? A sucker for good content? I've noticed you have not said anything positive. I don't know. I guess I just want closure to this life and spend however many days I have remaining on this Earth, with good positive happy vibes and happier memories with the family I have created for myself.. You and the rest of the human population. You're not the most motivational person I have dealt with. Consider the source. Point taken.

So, what now?  Back to the drawing board, I guess. I have to hope that, somewhere inside that dark and twisted shell of a woman I am married to, she wants the same things I do with equal amounts of authenticity and purpose. How is your love these days? Challenged daily. Good answer. I love my wife, this much I know. The problem becomes how much am I willing to continue to love her now, given all the problems we have, and the problems she refuses to address. I just wish I could wake up inside a new husband with the same wife. Interesting. Care to elaborate on this? No. Then tell me your forecast for the next cycle. I wrote in my other blog that I needed to kiss more than talk, so I am going to try the route and see where it takes me. And what is it you want to do about us? You are a part of me, an avenue to express my thoughts and seek solace within my own Grimm Fairy Tell without worry of being persecuted for my words. Fair enough. Why do you ask? Are you going somewhere? Let's hope not. That would be bad for you. I've got work to do, so lets end this session for today. One last thing. Yes? Regardless of what others might say of you, you're a good person, an excellent father and stupendously stubborn husband with a cinder block from hell resting between your shoulders. Hang in there. You too. 

A Slow Burn

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...

Life has a way of sneaking up on you, tapping you on the shoulder, and then blowing the scene before you realize that your entire life has just jumped track. A development in the marriage, is it? I'll say. My wife has been talking about attending church a lot as of late. She has always spoke of it, especially when her mom came to visit the second time and they both found a Polish church that accepted them with open arms. She was going off and on with our daughter, for the Polish speak and socializing with people like her, but it did not last very long. About this development. Yes. Well, she approached me a week or two ago and asked that we attend church on Sunday. Generally, she gets these weird unexplained spurts to do something out of the ordinary, so I said, "Fine, but there is something more to this. What is your motive?" She claims there is no interior motive, but our daughter has started going to a pre-kinder school that the church provides. I suspect having to attend the church on a regular basis is part of the criteria. So what is the problem? She even chose a Catholic church, which is right down your sinful alley. I know. But...when we went, I felt...out of place. I was terrified that I would spontaneously combust the moment I touched the ceremonial Holy Water fountain. I was anxiously wanting to get the hell out of there, the moment we sat in the pew, and focused hard on not finding the inner turrets, dousing those hypocritical assholes with an onslaught of damnation. You have lost your faith? Not entirely. Interesting.

So, you're at Church and then what? The norm. She followed along with the recital, the crossing signs and stood, sat, stood, sat, stood, knelt, sat. She even ponied up some cash for the collection plate. Playing the role to a T. I could not believe it myself. But what I figured to be a one-time thing appears to be a recurring theme. She wants us to go bi-weekly and make it a "family" ordeal. Nothing wrong with that. Except that it's unnatural. I have spent the last decade of my life with her and now she suddenly has a change of heart on God and organized religion? So, you want her to remain in the old skin? No. I want her to be authentic in her choice, and not be motivated by keeping up with the Catholic Jone's and going so our daughter can have a nice place to go to. Sounds like you are holding inside of you some anger against your wife, because she has decided to seek out spiritual guidance. I guess, maybe I do. Years I spent, praying for this and that and never getting a damn thing out of it. Nowadays, I can't even finish a thought, let alone a prayer. I wake up the next morning feeling like shit, because I can't keep a promise I once kept for 8 years. I hold her partially, if not fully, responsible for my lack of faith.

And what of the sex? You're trying to conceive again, correct? Laughs. I'm making another horrible mistake, I know. I just...I want to complete my family, you know? I have vested 12 fucking years in this marriage and you would think I could, at least, churn out a complete family circle. Would that be prudent? It would be right. As a man, I need to drive this family, pass on the genetic code, ensure my bloodline will be around for whatever is in store for the human race. I have a duty to fulfill. I also want, desperately, to have a child with someone who loves me as much as I them. My first was breed out of chaos and guilt. I do not know what it feels like to have a child because the parents want to. It's something else I feel cheated out of. So, you're having sex then...to procreate. Twice, since our first session together. I am pretty potent, so maybe we do not need to do it as often as one would think, being 36 and all. You really are going into this without much thought, aren't you? Meaning what? I have thought about this for a decade. I think I am pretty much thought out. But you are having another child with a woman you feel no longer loves you. True. But, I also think she is capable of loving me even more than she once did, if she could let go. so you're gambling another innocent life on a whim? My daughter is very much loved by myself and her mother. She is a very loving child and incredibly smart, so it wasn't all bad. Luck. Probably. But it's a chance I am willing to take again, because siblings with the same mother and father, traditionally, work together better than half bloods. Yes. It worked well for Cain and Able, why not make a sequel. I'm beginning to understand why people don't like you. Likewise.