MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...
Seven weeks ago I was told I would be a father again. I...was...nearly ready. I failed her again. I did not jump for joy and hug her and say to her how happy the news made me. She cried- again. I ask myself everyday what can I do to make her smile, yet, somehow, I always end up making her cry her mascara off into her pillow. The first time was mostly intentional, but I was being selfish and wanted to hurt her, because I still had old wounds bleeding out. This time, there was no malice or malcontent. I wanted to have another child with her. I made the commitment and promised to be there for her this time; but, I failed. Destined to repeat the same cruel melody and not even try, which makes it a natural offense and not an instinctive one that I am desperate to exorcise.
We were able to get past the initial shock of it. K, not having much to go on, allowed her dream to step in front of her disappointment of me. We powered on knowing that,k regardless of how I took it, our family is finally coming to a close. Us versus the world. My daughter took the news so well. "Sister brother in mommy's belly, yes?" I am still amazed how loving and smart that little girl is. K did not get morning sickness again. She did not get it with Baby Girl either, so we were leaning towards another girl brewing inside her belly. I was relieved. Aside from the obvious, just give me a healthy baby and I'll be happy, having a boy scares the hell out of me. Not having a father myself, and the only thing remaining, an Uncle that acted like a child, doesn't cut the right mold to me for being a father. At least not a good one.
We started to think about names, mostly K was doing the names; because, me being a writer (or a shadow of what a writer might be) I am bound to suggest something like, Aidan Starpuncher or Chysalia Culliver Riddick. It's a baby! No, She is the chosen squad leader of Alpha Nine and our only hope! Needless to say, we have big plans. Baby Girl has big plans too. She has talked nonstop about having a sister to play with, show how to bake imaginary dishes in her kitchen, eat Play dough in secret, swan dive into her ball pit without breaking a bone. This crazy idea of having a family with a woman from another country who has battled me for the last ten years is actually going to happen.
TWO DAYS can change a man. More importantly, two days can destroy a woman who begins to spot more consistently than expected. A single trip to the OBGYN can lead to a phone call flooded with tears, an uproar of emotions that you just know, right from the gate, is bad news. They cannot hear a heartbeat. Her spotting is heavier. The old-school doctor, standing in for our regular one, lays a bombshell on my wife in the coldest matter-of-fact way one could and devastates her on the table. Again, I am not there for her. I am at work, but I could have gone with her. I did not expect anything bad to follow this, spotting was normal as explained to us upfront. This was different. When she called me, I immediately went to her. We nearby at a park and she fell into my arms. I am thinking, during the drive there, please do not let me say the wrong thing this time. K is in such a fragile state and my tongue can so often be hammer-like, a single word could break her forever.
Do not make this about me. Do not blame her inadvertently. Do not say anything, just be there for her. It's the first time in the 12 year relationship that my actions will solely dictate another's. Forget about how I feel for now. But, there is something going on inside me that I am not familiar with. Plenty of time for me to twist things around and break them down, bit by bit, later. Tell her everything will be OK.
"Everything will be all right."
Tell her this is not her fault.
"This is not your fault or mine. It's just something that can happen to anyone."
Good. They are not tears directed at me. Somehow, I still feel like they are or, at least, they should be. That momentary pause I mentioned at the start, it's starting to scream out at me. I brought this upon us...upon her...that (this) isn't what I meant.
A rush of emotions start to rush up my spine (although I am beginning to feel more and more like I haven't had one in years), through my stomach and rocket towards my brain. I cannot allow this. I am unstable as it is. So I catch the emotion as it hits my throat and I swallow it down. I do this because K needs me to be better, stronger, more realistic now. She needs a man. She needs a rock to cry upon that can also sustain her weakened knees and catch her if she falls. I am happy to report, I am a solid foundation. Except...where did the emotion in me go? Never having to do this type of thing before, I am without direction for my role in all this. Should I too not mourn?
If I am unaffected by this, will this translate with K as me being heartless or, worse, glad that it happened? Why do I feel like there is no way for me to emerge from this looking like a protective man and smelling like a bush filled of roses? And now a series of doubt begin to formulate in my brain. Questions that should never be there before or after, and I do not seem to know whether or not they were self inflicted or sub plots that come with every story in marriage. And this is where I am today. My wife is waiting for the onset of pangs that generate the blood flow and bring forth that miscarriage the Doctors are promising, two to four weeks of this hell should be expected they tell her. For her, the waiting and clinging on to hope that this is all just a clever guise to hide the real fact our baby is still in there, healthy as an Ox and developing nicely. (I too hope for this, but the odds are in our favor this time)
She breaks into tears every ten minutes or so telling me, "I am not coping well with this." And my heart bleeds for her. I hold her and kiss her on the head and tell her any one of the automated responses, and I hope for the best. I hope that this doesn't ruin her. I hope that this doesn't add on more pounds and I hope she doesn't seek out comfort food like she did when we first got together. I hope she doesn't blame herself for something no one can do anything about. A dark ominous cloud brews in the distance. I know it's coming. It has always come after a major incident in her life. There is not enough love to weather its storm. The timing could not be any worse. The only way we come through this bruised but alive and well is to cling to one another and embrace the challenge together; however, K and I have always been at arms length for whatever reason. Am I concerned? Yes. Not for a sack that has no baby inside it, but for the two people who need each other to make sure a baby is there the next time, and that is my real worry now. I don't know if she has what it takes to pull through this. The happiest time in a married couples life has flipped on us now, bringing with it a dark age I am not prepped for to survive.
Where are you now? What do you mean? I mean, are you with her or still at arms length? Within reach. I can feel her breath against my face, and her tears pool at my toes. So you are closer to her now than you have been in, what, seven years? I am being judge, even now as she mourns. She is judging me. Waiting for me to make this about me. If I steer clear from accusations, she will carry on as always. I am hoping for more- a lot more. If ever there was a time she needed me, it is now. If I come carry her through this and my status remains the same...It would be my own personal miscarriage. Then do what your wife appears to not be doing. Keep honesty as the driving force of this unfortunate time and show your wife you are a man who loves his family and has long put down his demons. this is an awful time for you both. Embrace it. Let her know through your touch and your love that this is not the end, but the beginning of something more incredible. A new start for you both. Metaphorically speaking, to cleanse the soul and start anew free from anger or spite. Love her, and she will have no other choice but to love you back. As it should have been all these years. If not, she will have proven without a doubt that her love is not the love you need. Now, go to her with any one of your automated replies and tell her you love her.
