A Setback of Sorts

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...


You look bruised. What gave it away? Your fingers stuttered just a little on the keys. I gather things are not well. The heart's a mess. Just when I think things are moving along, when I risk impregnating her again, when all signs appear GO, but that one meter suggest something might be a little "off"...I go and have a meltdown. You had a reaction then? I did. Timing wasn't the best either-is it ever? My wife planned a grilling session with some of her friends yesterday, which is fine, but she gets into this "CAN DO" mode where she is so focused on the task at hand that she completely bulldozes everyone in her path. We are supposed to be working on communication and she claims she has progressed so much, but I just don't see it. This mode is exactly what I mean, when I tell you that I would give her up in a heartbeat for someone who would show me a minutes worth of interest and respect. Still? Like I've said before, I don't like it. That is just how I feel.

Perhaps a visual is in order. Show me how you felt about this moment you had with her, then we will talk more about it. I'll try. 

I see. Lyrically, this is my marriage as a whole. Emotionally, I feel cast at sea, afloat on my back staring up to an open sky, waiting to be rescued. The waters are shark infested, cold against my skin and freezing me from the outside in. Yet, energetically speaking, I can remain here forever, floating, waiting, for something to happen along and scoop me up from the abyss and save me from this potential of drowning in my own sorrow. That is a powerful image without the video. Sorry, I like the song too. So, tell me, about this gathering? That isn't really as important as the outcome, which was I lost my cool and pushed her over the edge again. But, this time, it was not for the same reason as it once was. Once, I would do this to her because I wanted to make her hurt on the inside. This time, it was me hurting on the inside. I have taken on so much recently to prove to her that we are lovers AND friends AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, a family.

Yet, you both have not come to agree on this. In my own opinion, I am closer now than I was when I said, "I do." Much has changed and times along with it. I am going on 34 and committed to enjoying however much time I have left on this planet. Yet, you still remain lost at sea. Hope floats. Only in the movies, sir.  Your waiting to be saved, while digging your trench even deeper with trying to have another child with this woman you still cannot connect with on a deep emotional level. You have clearly tried all that you know how to, and she still continued to evade you. Are you two having more meaningful conversations? No. Are you spending more time with one another? No. Are you making love more? Yes, but not in the way I would like. It's more purpose driven to get pregnant, I think. You have to break a little Scott. I appreciate the analogy and the emphasizing of hope and all that, but you have to accept some things that do not appear to be changing...at least not quick enough for you. What if I am wrong about it all? What if she is making strides and I am just too selfish to see them? What if I was a real separate personality speaking to you, instead of an extension of your own consciousness that you have somehow blocked off from the rest of your brain for moral guidance and support? Putting it that way, you make me sound a little bit off my rocker.

My prescription for you then is this, focus on you and your family but do so with equal love and support. Maybe your wife has made strides with her therapy and it not revolve around you. Maybe she needs to take the scenic route in getting back to you, instead of the shortest path possible. The love is there, this much is clear to me AND you. And quit floating man, there is bound to be dry land somewhere. Swim, swim, swim! 

Lazy Day

Mirror, Mirror on the blog...

Judging by the look on your face and the pink flesh tone around your cheeks and the jumping eyelid, I'd speculate you have had a stellar day. A real five star motherfucking day, doc. Speaking of motherfucking, how are things going on baby number 2? My daughter referred to her hand this evening in the bath as "sister". I told her she should probably think of a name for sister as that is the only likely tangible sibling she will have at this rate. "Gentlemen, I present you...The Titanic!" Mocking me now are we? I figure a little humor is needed from time to time. You want to tell me about this "Five star" day of yours then? Started off at four thirty in the fucking morning! Wife caught the bug my daughter seems to keep around, for those days when a little room is found to commit to matrimonial glue, sucking the life out of my wife, who dedicates every waking moment to her, only to crash hard herself; Wakes me up with the loudest, most terrifying snore I ever heard. It was like I rolled to the side and fell into a portal that warped me inside the cave of an angry grizzly bear, deeply hibernating and dreaming about being attacked by rabid swine! I woke her several times asking if she could please choke that fucking Hemi motor caught in her nasal passage so I could sleep, which did no good at all. "I'm sick, I cannot help it." No, you're fat and can help it had you any self respect for yourself and others! Sensing some hostility. So I say, "Fuck it." and get up to shower and work on impregnating the shower, when I step out to silence. The whole bedroom was peaceful and still. So I lay back down to try and catch a few more z's when, the moment I slip off, SNORRRREEEE!!! Timing is a little off. I'll say. I get up and get out of the house to leave for work as quickly as possible. Look, you don't understand- Help me try. -If it's not my wife snoring, it's our daughter in the bed with us, driving her feet into the small of my back, rolling into my side to the point I flinch in my sleep to, "Ouch! Daddy Hit me!" I wake up, panicked that I just hooked my daughter in the jaw, clutching at my chest in case a stroke looms, only to see her slip back into la-la land. I have not slept soundly in nearly three years. And you know what flicks my taint the most? I cannot say anything. NOTHING.

So you are work bound and tired- Fuck that! I am not just tired. I am stressed out of my goddamn mind! Have you any idea how disrespectful and insulting it is to have my wife listen to me explain how I have to juggle a department of 6 people, doing the work of 12, listening to them bitch and moan about the amount of work they have to do, meet deadlines on end of month reports with half ass spreadsheet that never pull all the data needed, while trying not to tell a customer, "I do not fucking care how long it took a repair for your machine, nor does it give you the right to cuss me like I am responsible for the shitty repair a non-English speaking Mexican did to your Japanese computer!"? AND come home instantly to a bratty child who wants me to play "horsey" with her the second I come in, AND not even hear my wife say hello or kiss me or jerk me off in a corner in the kitchen or SOMETHING! I get, "Can you mow the lawn again? I want to go out in the backyard and need you to pick up dog shit, wash the porch, mow the lawn please. Also, tomorrow, I am going to my shrink for much of the morning, then we are going to an all Polish Easter thing at church (Because suddenly she likes traditions!) then when we get home I need you to clean the carpets, mow the front lawn, take my car to get fixed, and watch our daughter while I recoup from this sickness. JUST SO I CAN go back to work on Monday refreshed. Sensing sarcasm at the end there. To sum up your day, you went to work tired and cranky, got hit with a ton of things as a manager, got dissed by the wife when you came home, because she thinks your job is easy and (try working my job AND being a mother routine) asked to do more work, forgetting that her snoring woke you 3 hours earlier than usual? You sound like my wife. There is much more to it than that.

When is the last time you made love to your wife? three weeks ago today. Look, you think I enjoy saying shit like impregnating the shower? Yes, it's funny but I have to say these things to keep from...Yes? Whatever. All I know the more this curtain of bullshit is lifted, the more I can see that my wife is to destroy me. I love you too, honey. What else am I supposed to think? Let me bullet point it for you.

• No sex
• trying to have another child (see above) 
• trying to build on the little remaining love (see aboves)

Lets focus here. All right. Here are the pros and cons
Pros

• Sex
• Complete family circle

Cons

• Not heaving sex often enough
• wife is 37
• wife is overweight
• wife has high uterus (which makes getting pregnant more difficult)
• Higher risk of defected babies (fuck you, I do not want retarded children.)
• wife is always tired (because all of her energy goes into being a mommy)
• baby always sick, when she is not sick the wife is. (outcome. See bullet one)
• wife growing more distant from me. 
• I am growing more distant form wife
• wife needs to lose weight to have easier pregnancy
• wife not losing weight. (see aboves)
• sex drive is drying up (for us both)
• not getting that old, but feel THAT old

The only thing she can focus on are the cons, adding to them that I must be an asshole and nothing like a concerned man who only want his wife to have the best smoothest pregnancy we can. And she doesn't believe you. YOU don't believe me. I am...A bit bias by proximity. But, yes, I doubt you, sometimes.  So, what now? Now, I am prescribing you sleep. Tomorrow looks to be another long day for you. I am not sure what to do or say for you buddy. I am not sure there are any more suggestions I can give. Your ship sank long ago, Captain. Your ghost just refuses to leave this mortal coil. I just want to make the best of what I've got. And you are. So it would seem...so it wold seem.

Goodnight you. I am still pulling for you to right the ship. Even though it has already sank? Maybe you can tread water, in case someone is out there...searching for you...if you know what I mean.