Start Here

Something is up with you. And for the first time I am actually concerned.
And to be honest with you, me too. I think I am broke.
Anything can be fixed though. Remember that.
Your modesty and overall hope boat has sunk.
As your doctor-
Ha!
as I was saying, what do you think the "tipping point" in any marriage is? Is it love? Sex? Attraction? Commonality?
How should I know? I got married at 23, spent 11 years doubting myself and my decision making ability, and had a child under fucked up circumstances that have unloaded piles of guilt on me that no man or father should have to endure. I have tried to support my wife who has more emotional problems than a maternity ward at feeding time. I have begged mercy with both my wife and the God I struggle to follow. I have separated myself from my family, regardless of how shitty they are, to earn her trust and love and I have stepped to the edge of reason, and plummeted foolishly over it. What is my tipping point...Doctor?
Let me ask another question then. What do you want in your life right now. And don't hold back, not here, not with me. Get it out there so we can then skimmer through the goo and find the nuggets that hold value. 
I want the woman I married. I want the young, full of life, woman who gave up everything to pursue, what she thought to be at the time, true love, risking everything she fought, kicked and clawed her way to have back home. I want the woman who wanted me, everything single inch of me, the moment we stepped out of the airport. I want the woman who I could not wait to come home to from work, to hold, or kiss, or just sit next to and watch mindless television for hours. Yes, she had high expectations then, but she also carried herself along happily, even if it was a facade, as though the only thing that mattered was us. Us versus all the rest. Did I squander it? Yes, I made plenty of fumbles along the goal line, but goddamn it I have more than made up for them. I want the woman who loved, even if she was faking it. I want to know this fight is for a reason that is not revolving around another girl about four feet tall.
So the majority of your misery centers with your wife.
Always has been, hasn't it?
What if you left her? Aside from the shit your daughter would have to put up with, and the unfair disadvantage it would be to her. 
That is the complex part. The easy part is I would be forever broken inside. K has become a part of me, and I would like to believe that I her. But the chemistry no longer feels like lovers. It feels like long time friends torn asunder by some silly ass disagreement, or jealousy for the girl each want but cannot have. The ONLY thing we share now is our daughter. I am not sure if its a matter of one given up or not, but that is the cold hard fact. Our love is baseless as individuals, but blossoms as parents.
Ah. The complex part. 
K has fallen down a rabbit hole of self-doubt and insecurity unlike anything I ever known. She refuses to get help or allow me to help her. She refuses any medication that could possibly help her focus and the worse part about it all is that final piece of our family, a second child, looms over like a prized championship just out of reach. The missing link to our family happiness. I can't talk to her about it. I can't mention it. And if I try, she turns on me and attacks viciously at times.
So, reach out to her again. But do so carefully. Speak to her indirectly, and, if she is listening, maybe you will not have to beg anymore. 
And if she ignores it, then what?
Then you become another statistic, my friend. 
And how do I get to her?
Same way you have always expressed yourself. 

(A)men. 

It's worth a shot. What more do I have left?

Adjust.

You're happier than I've seen in awhile.

Change of perspective. 

On whose part?

Both of us. I guess. I, myself, have learned to silence the inner critic. It took awhile, as you know, but it seems to have helped with current affairs. 

Is this the same critic who constantly searches for someone else to blame?

No. This is the collective conscious that pushed out all the things I cannot change, to focus on those which I can. The family. Friends. Work. Writing. 

How is that going for you, the writing?

Stagnant. I am trying to learn from my past mistakes, which was to go headlong into a project and lose faith in it or myself midway. Now, I write when I feel it. I write when I have something to say, and avoid writing to be be writing. 

Goes against the grain of the process, doesn't?

I figure, since I constant go against the grain on most things, I might as well apply it to my writing also. 

To finish one thing at a time?

To just finish...something. The last effort failed grossly with my expectations, but doesn't most first timers fail in this story-making?

I would not know. 

Me neither.

Anything you want to share, outside your writing?

I'm trying to stay positive. No need to shift when I am doing so well with the current mindset. 

Then this place becomes pointless in a sense, does it not?

You know, it's true what they say about you, being a shit-stirrer and all. 

It's not fair to exclude yourself from your own shit-stirring. So, is there anything on your mind? 

Thanksgiving. I have been thinking about that a lot, not having a traditional meal with family or friends. I am so fucking tired of going at this alone. Here I am with a beautiful and loving little girl, and my family continue to walk a path of indifference. If there was a time to change, it is now. And not just me, but my brother as well with his little girl. I get not having a unified family to rely on, but one would think the extensions of that tree might find a way to keep tradition alive. 

Why don't you make the first move and invite him over? 

Because I know the outcome. My brother thinks only about himself. He is the type who will say, sure, I am game, if others come to him. Then, it's on his terms. Showing up late. Saying one thing and doing another. It's just too stressful, when I am trying to relax. 

So no plans for Turkey Day?

K is going to make a little dinner. Her new friend is coming over and there will be wine. 

Oh, good. Wine makes things better when done in moderation.

I guess. 

Can I ask you something? 

No.

Are you happy?

You missed that last reply, huh. 

Are you?

Not as much as I would like to be. But I am making progress. 

And now for the hard part. Do you want to be here, with her?

Very much so. I do not have to think too long and hard about the woman I have given over a decade of my life to be with. We are very different people who have managed to find something that bonds us, even if we are not certain to what that bonding is. I love K and I cannot think of another woman I'd rather be with, at this point in my life. She is hard. She is crazy in a sense. But she is also special, with much to offer me if I can just crack that outer shell. 

If...

Yes, if. 

And if not?

I'll die trying. 

Good answer. 

Is it?

I suppose time will tell, sir.

Good answer. 

Sessions With Myself

For a minute there, I thought you were never coming back.
It's been a long hard road out of hell. I figured I would take a moment to collect my thoughts and try some new things.
And how did this go?
Lets be honest, life has been a motherfucker this year. I have been trying so hard to be a better man, for me, for my family, for everyone. Everything I have done in this nearly 11 year marriage has led up to this moment, this defining year of my life. Our last talk spoke of a second addition to the family, which, I am sad to say, we lost. It was devastating to us. My wife more so than me, but don't judge. I wanted another child, but I am not so sure it would have been for the best. Too many conflicts and doubt, which was not much different than the trials I have had with my marriage from day one, but I guess I am older and wiser now and figure some things should not be under acidic circumstances. I never got the chance to mourn the loss myself, because I needed to be strong for me, for K. More so for her than myself.

Tell me how you feel about losing the baby now then. 
Relieved. Scared. Embarrassed. Above all...full of guilt. I have felt trapped in this marriage. Like a tornado swooped down over me years ago and kept me prisoner inside its eye. A torrent of expectations tossing and throwing me around like a rag doll. So many parts of my person have separated from the body that I typically feel like I am outside myself, walking around like a mindless zombie, acting on impulses embedded in vows that have long lost their meaning. I was about to have another child with a woman who cannot forget about things that happened 10 years ago, still fresh on her mind as though they happened yesterday. Vindictive and vengeful, two things I cannot tolerate with my seasoning as a man. Knowing that these traits will transfer into my children leaves me kicking myself, praying my own DNA will offset some of the cold shoulder.

And the wife?
Desolate. I've spent a decade of my life loving a woman who has doubted herself and every emotion within her, leading to misleading affection with me, doing all I can to convince myself that she is my one true mate. Years spent absorbing the damage of her wrath and anger, waiting for the moment she stepped through the void of self pity and emerge as the woman I fell in love with so long ago. I have been slowly poisoned by this defeat, this blatant lie, this facade I was fooled into marrying so that the actual damaged goods could relax and be itself. I have watched her tack on pound after pound, ballooning her weight to what she would call, "The woman I deserve" only to repent for my mistakes and not have the woman return to whomever it is that I do deserve. I have watched her focus on hate and anger, swelling this skill to masterful levels, instead of reinforce whatever love and values she has inside her. I have had to live with this. And it has taken its toll on me.

How is your job going?
Mine? Very bright future if I can stick with it and keep convincing people I know what I am doing. My wife, however, not so much. Just another shot in the gut, which came not a month and a half after she lost the baby, her own job was cut. The main income depleted. The comfort levels she has been used to for six years now, no more. Because she did not have enough shit to destroy her confidence, now she has to overcome being let go from a job she excelled in. The top in her position three years in a row, suddenly gone. There is no confidence remaining. Her pride is decimated, her will broken. How can I expect her to give me anything, when she cannot find the strength to give herself the slightest bit?

Where are you overall?
I do not know. I make this out to sound terrible that the woman I am married to is an awful person, but she is not. She is rather stunning. A perfect circle of chaos. And perhaps that is why I love her so, and why I continue to lie for us about that victorious moment, when she breaks through that final obstacle and woos me again.

Then I believe we should go back to the beginning. no filters. It's just you and me now. The gloves need to come off. I think we will find the right path in doing this. That you will see the light at the end of that infamous tunnel we all seek. But first, you need to think about some things. You need to find that young soul, standing next to his bride nearly 11 years ago, and ask yourself why you said, "I do." 

Give me some time. I want to make this right.
I'll be here, when you are ready to proceed. 
You have always been there.
A trend we can both agree to continue. 

Post: Week Seven

I think it best to let you free write. But not to me, to them and all of those you wish to communicate with. Do not ask questions. Do not expect answers. Avoid eye contact, and just open up; because, you're needed now more than ever, and someone needs to be the other's rock. Understood? Now...begin. 

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...

Seven weeks ago I was told I would be a father again. I...was...nearly ready. I failed her again. I did not jump for joy and hug her and say to her how happy the news made me. She cried- again. I ask myself everyday what can I do to make her smile, yet, somehow, I always end up making her cry her mascara off into her pillow. The first time was mostly intentional, but I was being selfish and wanted to hurt her, because I still had old wounds bleeding out. This time, there was no malice or malcontent. I wanted to have another child with her. I made the commitment and promised to be there for her this time; but, I failed. Destined to repeat the same cruel melody and not even try, which makes it a natural offense and not an instinctive one that I am desperate to exorcise. 

We were able to get past the initial shock of it. K, not having much to go on, allowed her dream to step in front of her disappointment of me. We powered on knowing that,k regardless of how I took it, our family is finally coming to a close. Us versus the world. My daughter took the news so well. "Sister brother in mommy's belly, yes?" I am still amazed how loving and smart that little girl is. K did not get morning sickness again. She did not get it with Baby Girl either, so we were leaning towards another girl brewing inside her belly. I was relieved. Aside from the obvious, just give me a healthy baby and I'll be happy, having a boy scares the hell out of me. Not having a father myself, and the only thing remaining, an Uncle that acted like a child, doesn't cut the right mold to me for being a father. At least not a good one.

We started to think about names, mostly K was doing the names; because, me being a writer (or a shadow of what a writer might be) I am bound to suggest something like, Aidan Starpuncher or Chysalia Culliver Riddick. It's a baby! No, She is the chosen squad leader of Alpha Nine and our only hope! Needless to say, we have big plans. Baby Girl has big plans too. She has talked nonstop about having a sister to play with, show how to bake imaginary dishes in her kitchen, eat Play dough in secret, swan dive into her ball pit without breaking a bone. This crazy idea of having a family with a woman from another country who has battled me for the last ten years is actually going to happen.

TWO DAYS can change a man. More importantly, two days can destroy a woman who begins to spot more consistently than expected. A single trip to the OBGYN can lead to a phone call flooded with tears, an uproar of emotions that you just know, right from the gate, is bad news. They cannot hear a heartbeat. Her spotting is heavier. The old-school doctor, standing in for our regular one, lays a bombshell on my wife in the coldest matter-of-fact way one could and devastates her on the table. Again, I am not there for her. I am at work, but I could have gone with her. I did not expect anything bad to follow this, spotting was normal as explained to us upfront. This was different. When she called me, I immediately went to her. We nearby at a park and she fell into my arms. I am thinking, during the drive there, please do not let me say the wrong thing this time. K is in such a fragile state and my tongue can so often be hammer-like, a single word could break her forever.

Do not make this about me. Do not blame her inadvertently. Do not say anything, just be there for her. It's the first time in the 12 year relationship that my actions will solely dictate another's. Forget about how I feel for now. But, there is something going on inside me that I am not familiar with. Plenty of time for me to twist things around and break them down, bit by bit, later. Tell her everything will be OK.
"Everything will be all right."
Tell her this is not her fault.
"This is not your fault or mine. It's just something that can happen to anyone."
Good. They are not tears directed at me. Somehow, I still feel like they are or, at least, they should be. That momentary pause I mentioned at the start, it's starting to scream out at me. I brought this upon us...upon her...that (this) isn't what I meant.

A rush of emotions start to rush up my spine (although I am beginning to feel more and more like I haven't had one in years), through my stomach and rocket towards my brain. I cannot allow this. I am unstable as it is. So I catch the emotion as it hits my throat and I swallow it down. I do this because K needs me to be better, stronger, more realistic now. She needs a man. She needs a rock to cry upon that can also sustain her weakened knees and catch her if she falls. I am happy to report, I am a solid foundation. Except...where did the emotion in me go? Never having to do this type of thing before, I am without direction for my role in all this. Should I too not mourn?

If I am unaffected by this, will this translate with K as me being heartless or, worse, glad that it happened? Why do I feel like there is no way for me to emerge from this looking like a protective man and smelling like a bush filled of roses? And now a series of doubt begin to formulate in my brain. Questions that should never be there before or after, and I do not seem to know whether or not they were self inflicted or sub plots that come with every story in marriage. And this is where I am today. My wife is waiting for the onset of pangs that generate the blood flow and bring forth that miscarriage the Doctors are promising, two to four weeks of this hell should be expected they tell her. For her, the waiting and clinging on to hope that this is all just a clever guise to hide the real fact our baby is still in there, healthy as an Ox and developing nicely. (I too hope for this, but the odds are in our favor this time)

She breaks into tears every ten minutes or so telling me, "I am not coping well with this." And my heart bleeds for her. I hold her and kiss her on the head and tell her any one of the automated responses, and I hope for the best. I hope that this doesn't ruin her. I hope that this doesn't add on more pounds and I hope she doesn't seek out comfort food like she did when we first got together. I hope she doesn't blame herself for something no one can do anything about. A dark ominous cloud brews in the distance. I know it's coming. It has always come after a major incident in her life. There is not enough love to weather its storm. The timing could not be any worse. The only way we come through this bruised but alive and well is to cling to one another and embrace the challenge together; however, K and I have always been at arms length for whatever reason.  Am I concerned? Yes. Not for a sack that has no baby inside it, but for the two people who need each other to make sure a baby is there the next time, and that is my real worry now. I don't know if she has what it takes to pull through this. The happiest time in a married couples life has flipped on us now, bringing with it a dark age I am not prepped for to survive.

Where are you now? What do you mean? I mean, are you with her or still at arms length? Within reach. I can feel her breath against my face, and her tears pool at my toes. So you are closer to her now than you have been in, what, seven years? I am being judge, even now as she mourns. She is judging me. Waiting for me to make this about me. If I steer clear from accusations, she will carry on as always. I am hoping for more- a lot more. If ever there was a time she needed me, it is now. If I come carry her through this and my status remains the same...It would be my own personal miscarriage. Then do what your wife appears to not be doing. Keep honesty as the driving force of this unfortunate time and show your wife you are a man who loves his family and has long put down his demons. this is an awful time for you both. Embrace it. Let her know through your touch and your love that this is not the end, but the beginning of something more incredible. A new start for you both. Metaphorically speaking, to cleanse the soul and start anew free from anger or spite. Love her, and she will have no other choice but to love you back. As it should have been all these years. If not, she will have proven without a doubt that her love is not the love you need. Now, go to her with any one of your automated replies and tell her you love her. 

And Just Like That, It happened.

MIRROR, MIRROR, on the Blog...

Today it's just me talking. I need you to listen and reserve your opinions, for now. Everything I have ever done in my marriage, my life, and all those things outside that may have been affected by my actions, bring me to this moment now. This moment in which I confess that I will, once more, be a father. My head is scrambled right now, cluttered with more things than I can think to put down here, expressing them to you and in this forum in which we have found a new, brave, way in which to communicate. I'm not perfect, far from it as we all tend to admit to one another. I am scared as hell, for many reasons not contained to my own selfish wants or needs. I am much more prepared this time around, but still miles away from where I need to be. I need financial comfort. Spousal support, now more than ever. I need promises no one seems to remember to fill. I need...all of you to understand, even if you don't.

So, today, I am going to just lay down the positives, because there will be plenty of time to complain. I will be someone else's dad in nine months or so. I think my Daughter can vouch for me that I am a pretty damn good father, so I am good there. I have my concerns about it being a boy though, mainly that I am not geared to raise a boy. I think this mostly stems from not having a father myself, so raising a girl sounds like a snap. Give them lots of love and break bones when the time comes that boys start to try and ruin her life. Easy. But a boy, there is that "manly" step a father has to pass down to his son and I simply don't have it. Not sure how to explain "manly" to you either. I guess you would have to be fatherless in order to get it. People and peers will lend their support and tell me that I will be fine, as an automatic gesture to avoid telling me."yeah, you're pretty much fucked pal."

I've been heard saying things like I do not want a boy and I am not sure if I could love a boy the same way I love my daughter, and I get the expected reaction with glares and stares and tears from the wife who thinks I am being cruel. She doesn't get it. Not many will. I cannot help the way I feel, and maybe it will go away if a boy lands in my hands in January or February...if we are still around to welcome it into the world. I've also finished my first short story...I know...I have wrote many stories over the years, some finished but mostly incomplete works of genius. It's called The Gospel of Judas and is inspired by the Tales From A Motel blog a handful of people actually read. It feels right- a story from beginning to end that I wrote myself. Something about this one makes me eager to get it out there and see if publishers feel as strongly about it as I do. If not, there is always Kindle.

It's weird to feel partially content, almost like waking up from a deep long sleep with one side of your body numb and unresponsive...The "could be a girl" side that is eager to see is already planning on other things, like making enough money to have two children equally happy. It's not much to ask, even in today's world. But, if it's a boy...I honestly don't know...Clearly I will not shut down and cower in a corner, but I am not sure if a boy will have quite the happy life as my daughter; because, both its parents had terrible fucking fathers...ultimately, like any parent, I want a healthy baby, regardless of sex, and that is what's most important to me...I'm just tripping out a little...I am sure I will recover as I did with my daughter and, like I mentioned, she is good, healthy, and extremely happy.

Thanks for listening...

Good luck.  You too buddy.

A Setback of Sorts

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...


You look bruised. What gave it away? Your fingers stuttered just a little on the keys. I gather things are not well. The heart's a mess. Just when I think things are moving along, when I risk impregnating her again, when all signs appear GO, but that one meter suggest something might be a little "off"...I go and have a meltdown. You had a reaction then? I did. Timing wasn't the best either-is it ever? My wife planned a grilling session with some of her friends yesterday, which is fine, but she gets into this "CAN DO" mode where she is so focused on the task at hand that she completely bulldozes everyone in her path. We are supposed to be working on communication and she claims she has progressed so much, but I just don't see it. This mode is exactly what I mean, when I tell you that I would give her up in a heartbeat for someone who would show me a minutes worth of interest and respect. Still? Like I've said before, I don't like it. That is just how I feel.

Perhaps a visual is in order. Show me how you felt about this moment you had with her, then we will talk more about it. I'll try. 

I see. Lyrically, this is my marriage as a whole. Emotionally, I feel cast at sea, afloat on my back staring up to an open sky, waiting to be rescued. The waters are shark infested, cold against my skin and freezing me from the outside in. Yet, energetically speaking, I can remain here forever, floating, waiting, for something to happen along and scoop me up from the abyss and save me from this potential of drowning in my own sorrow. That is a powerful image without the video. Sorry, I like the song too. So, tell me, about this gathering? That isn't really as important as the outcome, which was I lost my cool and pushed her over the edge again. But, this time, it was not for the same reason as it once was. Once, I would do this to her because I wanted to make her hurt on the inside. This time, it was me hurting on the inside. I have taken on so much recently to prove to her that we are lovers AND friends AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, a family.

Yet, you both have not come to agree on this. In my own opinion, I am closer now than I was when I said, "I do." Much has changed and times along with it. I am going on 34 and committed to enjoying however much time I have left on this planet. Yet, you still remain lost at sea. Hope floats. Only in the movies, sir.  Your waiting to be saved, while digging your trench even deeper with trying to have another child with this woman you still cannot connect with on a deep emotional level. You have clearly tried all that you know how to, and she still continued to evade you. Are you two having more meaningful conversations? No. Are you spending more time with one another? No. Are you making love more? Yes, but not in the way I would like. It's more purpose driven to get pregnant, I think. You have to break a little Scott. I appreciate the analogy and the emphasizing of hope and all that, but you have to accept some things that do not appear to be changing...at least not quick enough for you. What if I am wrong about it all? What if she is making strides and I am just too selfish to see them? What if I was a real separate personality speaking to you, instead of an extension of your own consciousness that you have somehow blocked off from the rest of your brain for moral guidance and support? Putting it that way, you make me sound a little bit off my rocker.

My prescription for you then is this, focus on you and your family but do so with equal love and support. Maybe your wife has made strides with her therapy and it not revolve around you. Maybe she needs to take the scenic route in getting back to you, instead of the shortest path possible. The love is there, this much is clear to me AND you. And quit floating man, there is bound to be dry land somewhere. Swim, swim, swim! 

Lazy Day

Mirror, Mirror on the blog...

Judging by the look on your face and the pink flesh tone around your cheeks and the jumping eyelid, I'd speculate you have had a stellar day. A real five star motherfucking day, doc. Speaking of motherfucking, how are things going on baby number 2? My daughter referred to her hand this evening in the bath as "sister". I told her she should probably think of a name for sister as that is the only likely tangible sibling she will have at this rate. "Gentlemen, I present you...The Titanic!" Mocking me now are we? I figure a little humor is needed from time to time. You want to tell me about this "Five star" day of yours then? Started off at four thirty in the fucking morning! Wife caught the bug my daughter seems to keep around, for those days when a little room is found to commit to matrimonial glue, sucking the life out of my wife, who dedicates every waking moment to her, only to crash hard herself; Wakes me up with the loudest, most terrifying snore I ever heard. It was like I rolled to the side and fell into a portal that warped me inside the cave of an angry grizzly bear, deeply hibernating and dreaming about being attacked by rabid swine! I woke her several times asking if she could please choke that fucking Hemi motor caught in her nasal passage so I could sleep, which did no good at all. "I'm sick, I cannot help it." No, you're fat and can help it had you any self respect for yourself and others! Sensing some hostility. So I say, "Fuck it." and get up to shower and work on impregnating the shower, when I step out to silence. The whole bedroom was peaceful and still. So I lay back down to try and catch a few more z's when, the moment I slip off, SNORRRREEEE!!! Timing is a little off. I'll say. I get up and get out of the house to leave for work as quickly as possible. Look, you don't understand- Help me try. -If it's not my wife snoring, it's our daughter in the bed with us, driving her feet into the small of my back, rolling into my side to the point I flinch in my sleep to, "Ouch! Daddy Hit me!" I wake up, panicked that I just hooked my daughter in the jaw, clutching at my chest in case a stroke looms, only to see her slip back into la-la land. I have not slept soundly in nearly three years. And you know what flicks my taint the most? I cannot say anything. NOTHING.

So you are work bound and tired- Fuck that! I am not just tired. I am stressed out of my goddamn mind! Have you any idea how disrespectful and insulting it is to have my wife listen to me explain how I have to juggle a department of 6 people, doing the work of 12, listening to them bitch and moan about the amount of work they have to do, meet deadlines on end of month reports with half ass spreadsheet that never pull all the data needed, while trying not to tell a customer, "I do not fucking care how long it took a repair for your machine, nor does it give you the right to cuss me like I am responsible for the shitty repair a non-English speaking Mexican did to your Japanese computer!"? AND come home instantly to a bratty child who wants me to play "horsey" with her the second I come in, AND not even hear my wife say hello or kiss me or jerk me off in a corner in the kitchen or SOMETHING! I get, "Can you mow the lawn again? I want to go out in the backyard and need you to pick up dog shit, wash the porch, mow the lawn please. Also, tomorrow, I am going to my shrink for much of the morning, then we are going to an all Polish Easter thing at church (Because suddenly she likes traditions!) then when we get home I need you to clean the carpets, mow the front lawn, take my car to get fixed, and watch our daughter while I recoup from this sickness. JUST SO I CAN go back to work on Monday refreshed. Sensing sarcasm at the end there. To sum up your day, you went to work tired and cranky, got hit with a ton of things as a manager, got dissed by the wife when you came home, because she thinks your job is easy and (try working my job AND being a mother routine) asked to do more work, forgetting that her snoring woke you 3 hours earlier than usual? You sound like my wife. There is much more to it than that.

When is the last time you made love to your wife? three weeks ago today. Look, you think I enjoy saying shit like impregnating the shower? Yes, it's funny but I have to say these things to keep from...Yes? Whatever. All I know the more this curtain of bullshit is lifted, the more I can see that my wife is to destroy me. I love you too, honey. What else am I supposed to think? Let me bullet point it for you.

• No sex
• trying to have another child (see above) 
• trying to build on the little remaining love (see aboves)

Lets focus here. All right. Here are the pros and cons
Pros

• Sex
• Complete family circle

Cons

• Not heaving sex often enough
• wife is 37
• wife is overweight
• wife has high uterus (which makes getting pregnant more difficult)
• Higher risk of defected babies (fuck you, I do not want retarded children.)
• wife is always tired (because all of her energy goes into being a mommy)
• baby always sick, when she is not sick the wife is. (outcome. See bullet one)
• wife growing more distant from me. 
• I am growing more distant form wife
• wife needs to lose weight to have easier pregnancy
• wife not losing weight. (see aboves)
• sex drive is drying up (for us both)
• not getting that old, but feel THAT old

The only thing she can focus on are the cons, adding to them that I must be an asshole and nothing like a concerned man who only want his wife to have the best smoothest pregnancy we can. And she doesn't believe you. YOU don't believe me. I am...A bit bias by proximity. But, yes, I doubt you, sometimes.  So, what now? Now, I am prescribing you sleep. Tomorrow looks to be another long day for you. I am not sure what to do or say for you buddy. I am not sure there are any more suggestions I can give. Your ship sank long ago, Captain. Your ghost just refuses to leave this mortal coil. I just want to make the best of what I've got. And you are. So it would seem...so it wold seem.

Goodnight you. I am still pulling for you to right the ship. Even though it has already sank? Maybe you can tread water, in case someone is out there...searching for you...if you know what I mean.

Mega Balls

MIRROR , MIRROR on the Blog...

Uh oh, you look like hell. Been a long week. Do tell. The more I feel like I am ascending from this hole I've been in, the more my feet and fingers slip from the cracks in the side of the walls, and the higher I climb the less likely there are enough cracks to proceed. Picking yourself up from the ground is not easy to do. Everyday a new challenge awaits. If things are as bad as they seem, surely you did not expect them to improve overnight. I guess that is one of the challenges I did not expect to have. I have said for years now that there is nothing wrong with us, that our core is and has always been intact...but the more aware I become, the more hesitant and aware to our core being broken I become too. Explain. My wife is real high on pointing out the things I do that I never seem to "get". For example, I will come home from work, my mind riff with the day's bullshit and tomorrow's woes that I am in charge of fixing, without losing my mind or what little control I have over the people who report to me. I come home and search out the first thing that will alleviate this stress, my daughter, and then try to get out of my work clothes into something more comfortable, because the second I shut off the engine to my car, I instantly become Daddy and Plaything, while Mommy makes dinner. She talks to me but I do not hear her. I do not hear her because I am too involved with my own voices in my head, making pretend voices with Fairies and Mickey Mouse toys on the playroom floor, to care about anything else being said, which leads to her being upset with me over the important thing I apparently missed out her job. She refuses to repeat herself, because I should have been listening the first time, and then proceeds to be a dick to me for the remainder of the evening. Well, this morning, she comes in from being gone all morning long, sees that the little milk containers she bought for our daughter's school days has been cut open and assumes I used it for my coffee. She assumes this because she has already made up her mind long ago that I am simply disrespectful and inconsiderate to everyone not me, and then proceeds to lash me with "Can you please not use these for your coffee in the morning? I buy them for her school and we have milk in the fridge for coffee." I ignore her, knowing that she has inserted foot deep into her mouth, for the true of to the matter was that there was no straw on this one, so I cut it open for my daughter to drink. She was so focused on getting her point across to me that she did not give a shit about the tiny little facts completely shitting on her heated little rant. IN FACT, she got even more pissed about me correcting her. She then stated that I must have misunderstood her, because her intentions were not to blame me...I simply repeated her words, "Please do not use the milk for your coffee." and asked how exactly I could not have done anything other than assume she blamed me for using the milk for my coffee with those words. I see. So, even when you have clear cut proof that her anger is driven by false assumptions, your wife continues down this same path, altering her own interpretations in order to not apologize for her actions, while continuing to assert herself onto you for something you did not do. Man, you're getting good at this. So what did you do after this? Tried to remain in control of my emotions. I get enough shit from her that is legitimate, I be damned if I will eat the make-believe too. 

So not much improvement then between you two? Actually, no. We have slowly gotten better, but it's been mostly my own, which I know sounds a bit cocky and unfair to say, but I cannot state something that doesn't apply. She has grown in her own turtle-like ways, but I have been making strides with my own pursuit of happiness. How so?  Take the lottery this past week as an example. It hit world records highs and I decided to plug 50 into the company pool at work, which is something I don't normally do, and getting word that we had 2,100 tickets that equates to about 16 million a piece I started to think big, like everyone else was I suppose. Then, the day of the drawing, I had a thought cross my mind during lunch at work. I reached for my phone to call the wife, because I wanted to share this with her, and she was too busy with her mommy friends to listen. Two things happened with this. 

1) I realized that we both might be working towards something, but only one of us made it top priority. 

2) The chance of me winning the lottery, even with the biggest number of tickets ever purchased by me, palled in comparison to the jackpot I had already won a decade ago, when I met my wife. It's this last one that really settled deep inside my heart and soul, and I wanted to desperately share it with the woman who put it there. And she did not feel it important enough to step aside from her social gathering to listen. Exactly. Maybe I am just expecting too much from her. But do you truly believe this yourself? Is she your jackpot or just a series of random chances of hitting the internal jackpot your own insecurities will not allow you to admit to? Are you trying to knock me down? No. I am simply asking those things you do not want to ask, and hope someone else will ask for you. It's a fair question to ask, is it not?  You say that she is your jackpot, but you have squandered it all these years, for whatever reason, throwing it away as though these kinds of things grew on trees, flaunting in some cases to others of what you have and never really knowing for sure yourself. Admittedly, she is a wonderful woman, when all the correct cylinders are turning and firing in perfect timing. The very fact she never accepted your perspective on her coming home and blaming you shows that either she feels nothing ill happened between you, or that you are simply making up a defense to cover for that ultimate asshole your wife thinks you are. So, did you win this jackpot or did she? What do you mean?

Your wife has not once admitted fault to you. She has only restated the facts as she sees them, implying that, even if something wrong had occurred, the misconception was brought on by a previous notion that you put there for her. She has, in a sense, hit the lottery of excuses she was running thin on before. Sure, she might have done wrong, but had you not done it before multiple times, she would never have assumed it was you the moment she walked in the door. If *you* had done your due diligence as a man and a proper husband, she would not have to work so hard on being this supreme asshole you can't seem to live without. Maybe, with this explanation, you both are winners, while being total losers at the same time. So, you are telling me that my emotions are not only wrong, but misleading in such a way that I have managed to see through the walls, lost in my own fantasy, in order to thrive within a corroded marriage? I am a subconscious mirror of yourself, I am not telling you anything you don't already know or think outside this open fantasy of yours. So, to close this metaphor, Mirror, mirror on the Blog...Who is the most unlucky person of them all? 

The little girl who is oblivious to this. She has a mother and a father who loves her more than anything this world has to offer, including half a billion dollars. So in that, you both are the luckiest  persons in her world, because her world is one that flourishes on something other than money, and the one thing no amount of money could ever buy...her love. 

:(

MIRROR, MIRROR on the Blog...

She got her period today. Oh, good news then? Strangely, no. She has been acting very odd recently, feeling awful and showing symptoms of being pregnant, and I guess...I guess I got a little excited. Even knowing all that you have told me? I think so. Yes. I was hoping you would have, somehow, disconnected whatever wire that runs to my heart and sensitive bits by now, so I could fend off any emotion. I am beginning to think you are attempting some type of reverse psychology on me, which appears to be effective and annoying at once. Such is life. It hurts, you know. I have been strung along a spiked fence for a long time. Yet, you still allow it to happen, for whatever reason. Stupid? Foolish? A sucker for good content? I've noticed you have not said anything positive. I don't know. I guess I just want closure to this life and spend however many days I have remaining on this Earth, with good positive happy vibes and happier memories with the family I have created for myself.. You and the rest of the human population. You're not the most motivational person I have dealt with. Consider the source. Point taken.

So, what now?  Back to the drawing board, I guess. I have to hope that, somewhere inside that dark and twisted shell of a woman I am married to, she wants the same things I do with equal amounts of authenticity and purpose. How is your love these days? Challenged daily. Good answer. I love my wife, this much I know. The problem becomes how much am I willing to continue to love her now, given all the problems we have, and the problems she refuses to address. I just wish I could wake up inside a new husband with the same wife. Interesting. Care to elaborate on this? No. Then tell me your forecast for the next cycle. I wrote in my other blog that I needed to kiss more than talk, so I am going to try the route and see where it takes me. And what is it you want to do about us? You are a part of me, an avenue to express my thoughts and seek solace within my own Grimm Fairy Tell without worry of being persecuted for my words. Fair enough. Why do you ask? Are you going somewhere? Let's hope not. That would be bad for you. I've got work to do, so lets end this session for today. One last thing. Yes? Regardless of what others might say of you, you're a good person, an excellent father and stupendously stubborn husband with a cinder block from hell resting between your shoulders. Hang in there. You too. 

A Slow Burn

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...

Life has a way of sneaking up on you, tapping you on the shoulder, and then blowing the scene before you realize that your entire life has just jumped track. A development in the marriage, is it? I'll say. My wife has been talking about attending church a lot as of late. She has always spoke of it, especially when her mom came to visit the second time and they both found a Polish church that accepted them with open arms. She was going off and on with our daughter, for the Polish speak and socializing with people like her, but it did not last very long. About this development. Yes. Well, she approached me a week or two ago and asked that we attend church on Sunday. Generally, she gets these weird unexplained spurts to do something out of the ordinary, so I said, "Fine, but there is something more to this. What is your motive?" She claims there is no interior motive, but our daughter has started going to a pre-kinder school that the church provides. I suspect having to attend the church on a regular basis is part of the criteria. So what is the problem? She even chose a Catholic church, which is right down your sinful alley. I know. But...when we went, I felt...out of place. I was terrified that I would spontaneously combust the moment I touched the ceremonial Holy Water fountain. I was anxiously wanting to get the hell out of there, the moment we sat in the pew, and focused hard on not finding the inner turrets, dousing those hypocritical assholes with an onslaught of damnation. You have lost your faith? Not entirely. Interesting.

So, you're at Church and then what? The norm. She followed along with the recital, the crossing signs and stood, sat, stood, sat, stood, knelt, sat. She even ponied up some cash for the collection plate. Playing the role to a T. I could not believe it myself. But what I figured to be a one-time thing appears to be a recurring theme. She wants us to go bi-weekly and make it a "family" ordeal. Nothing wrong with that. Except that it's unnatural. I have spent the last decade of my life with her and now she suddenly has a change of heart on God and organized religion? So, you want her to remain in the old skin? No. I want her to be authentic in her choice, and not be motivated by keeping up with the Catholic Jone's and going so our daughter can have a nice place to go to. Sounds like you are holding inside of you some anger against your wife, because she has decided to seek out spiritual guidance. I guess, maybe I do. Years I spent, praying for this and that and never getting a damn thing out of it. Nowadays, I can't even finish a thought, let alone a prayer. I wake up the next morning feeling like shit, because I can't keep a promise I once kept for 8 years. I hold her partially, if not fully, responsible for my lack of faith.

And what of the sex? You're trying to conceive again, correct? Laughs. I'm making another horrible mistake, I know. I just...I want to complete my family, you know? I have vested 12 fucking years in this marriage and you would think I could, at least, churn out a complete family circle. Would that be prudent? It would be right. As a man, I need to drive this family, pass on the genetic code, ensure my bloodline will be around for whatever is in store for the human race. I have a duty to fulfill. I also want, desperately, to have a child with someone who loves me as much as I them. My first was breed out of chaos and guilt. I do not know what it feels like to have a child because the parents want to. It's something else I feel cheated out of. So, you're having sex then...to procreate. Twice, since our first session together. I am pretty potent, so maybe we do not need to do it as often as one would think, being 36 and all. You really are going into this without much thought, aren't you? Meaning what? I have thought about this for a decade. I think I am pretty much thought out. But you are having another child with a woman you feel no longer loves you. True. But, I also think she is capable of loving me even more than she once did, if she could let go. so you're gambling another innocent life on a whim? My daughter is very much loved by myself and her mother. She is a very loving child and incredibly smart, so it wasn't all bad. Luck. Probably. But it's a chance I am willing to take again, because siblings with the same mother and father, traditionally, work together better than half bloods. Yes. It worked well for Cain and Able, why not make a sequel. I'm beginning to understand why people don't like you. Likewise.

Valentines Day.

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...

This day used to mean something to me. Once upon a time, I would put a lot of thought into the gift, no matter how big or small, and feel good about my efforts. Nine out of ten times my message would be lost in translation, insignificant to the current events unfolding on this same day. A word was spoken that should have remained silent, a dagger was plunged into one back or another, when it should have been a kiss or a hug instead. Something always happens with us. Something always happens with us and it's of the smallest significance, yet the most damaging. Of all days to be a dick, you chose this one? Of all days, she chose this one to assume I was being a dick. Reality dictates that I was simply talking, hoping each word was not being carefully dissected the moment it flew out from my mouth. Regardless, those were the old days. I am now faced with a fresh approach to this fucking day, pun intended. Strangely, I am not privy to this feeling, thus it must be authentic as stated. Tell me more.

Today has finally become meaningless to me. There is no Love in this world of mine that the slightest mishap cannot alter the course. One moment I am loved, and the next time I mention something that is not agreeable with her, I am fiercely hated. I can no longer differentiate what is just angry words and what is meaningful...and I don't care either way. Sounds like you finally stepped off that ledge. I suppose it could only support the weight of my marriage for so long, before reacting on its own. Is there anything left in the tank? I would have to think I have been scraping the end of the barrel for a couple of years now. Before you go there, know that I still love my wife. I am just not sure how and on what level anymore. We have had so many false starts over the decade, so many of the same promises broken time and time again. I have just become charitable instead of profitable with my marriage. That is a powerful descriptive of things. I don't like it. I have loved this woman in one fashion or another from the moment we met twelve years ago. She is an amazing woman with so much to give and so much more to offer, but she is also a woman scorned and hell hath no fury...

I, honest to god, wish I could just reach inside her soul and remove all the things I apparently did to her in the past, all of the poison that has slowly eaten her from the inside over time. So, for Valentines Day, I will be honest and true to myself, as I have been from the start. Are you sure you want to open Pandora's Box? Where have you been all this time? I am not opening it, I am trying to force it closed. Then proceed. My Valentine, the one that means the most to me who assisted me with creating a life so precious and loving that I often stand back and ask myself if she is truly my daughter, is no longer with me. She is not with me in body or mind and spirit wanes as well. Every time I look at her I can only imagine how much she is mentally beating me for all the things I have ever said and done to her, torturing me with every breath she draws, damning me to a hell that the devil would shiver over. And the worse part is that...She honestly thinks it can go away with a good nights sleep.

How are things coming along with your decision to have another child? Slow. We have not made love since my admission to you some time back. I have no drive, no desire, no lust for her anymore. Not because I do not love or want to be with her, but because I cannot convince myself that our love-making is honest and true. She doesn't understand that I pounded into my head so much and for so long that the next child would be real and loving from the moment of conception through the end of time, I cannot get over that hump of doubt. Has she tried to help you over this obstacle? Are you kidding me? She is so wrapped up and involved with being mommy and stressing about a job that when I hint to her that I need her touch, not just sexual but gentle touch, a stroke of her hand across my face, her dulled nails along my back, it does wonders for my soul. I am trying to salvage something Goddamn it! Why am I alone? Time is up. That went fast. Life is too short to sit around and talk to yourself all day. There are things you have to do for yourself, your daughter, and your family. Alone? You are not the first nor the last buddy. 

Happy Valentine's Day. 
Happy indeed.  

Day 10

It's four in the morning and I am here writing this, drinking my second cup of coffee, watching the occasional lightning strike reflect in the bedroom window, wondering just how long I have left. See I realized, finally, there is no hope for my marriage. I can not make my wife love me. Worse, I cannot make her forget about things that happened long in the past. Worse still, I don't think I can have another child with her. It's not that I don't want too, but I can't. Every time I think about making love to her, I can only hear her mock me under her breath. I can only hear her say how she could be living a much happier and fulfilling life outside me. I can only hear her pounce on something I will say that is either innocent or insignificant. Like this morning, my daughter has been sick for some time now. She has this deep wet cough at night that keeps her awake, as well as mommy and daddy. I have mentioned several times that she should probably take her to the doctor, but she insist, "It's just a cold that keeps spreading among the playgroup." Fine, but there must be something a doctor can prescribe to help dry the cough. I allow this nonsense to continue for two. She is fine during the day, but at night she has coughing fits that woke me this morning. She was nearly throwing up, coughing so hard. When I took her into our bedroom, and handed her to mommy, because she calms easier with mommy, I said, "She needs to go to the doctor Monday. Enough is enough." I only meant that she has had plenty of time to recover and now its time we let a doctor look at her. My wife, however, jumped straight up my ass at four in the morning, I suspect, because of word choice. 

She said, "Fine. Are you going to take her?" Yes, I said. She then just laughed and patronized the hell out of me for it. Then I realized a key understanding. There is no hope for us, because I now, like my wife, cannot stand her voice. It makes me physically ill. It makes me so down-trodden every time I hear her poke at me, like her father poked at her, that I can no longer bare the sight of her. None of you can understand how much this pains me. I've never worked so hard at something in my life, than I have with my marriage, and the more I drive forward, the harder she becomes. My marriage has taken everything from me that I hold sincere and true. I no longer know what it means to love, versus what it means to coast along, mindless and numb, telling myself that the familiar is better than the unknown. 

So you have arrived then. It took you some time to get here and I commend the hell out of you for sticking with it this long. I would give up everything I have for the power to go inside her head and remove whatever has kept us apart all this time. I want nothing more than for her to smile. I haven't seen her smile at me in so long. Just as I knew it would happen, she know thrives on the love of our daughter. She has forgotten or no longer cares to love me. I am just a device, a means for her to complete her little circle of joy. And I feel like I owe it to her, because I am so convinced of being such a horrible person, even knowing I could not be further from it. The level of her ambivalence is so severe that it MUST be me. It must be the terror of being my wife, the hardships that come with loving someone as awful as I am, that have lead her to this place of desolate solitude. It's like watching a cancer patient slowly die. She put up a good fight in the beginning, but then the condition just deteriorated, day after day, until she just decided to give in and wait for the inevitable. And I honest to god, don't have the foggiest idea why. Why now? Why give in when things are better than they have ever been? Money is good. Not a lot of debt. About to refinance the house and save 100k at 3.25% over 15 years...

I'm losing you again. No, you're not. These are perfectly acceptable things to wonder and question, regardless of how I feel. I do want her to wake up. I would say before it's too late, but that bell has rung long ago. But she could make this all go away, with one simple action. Kiss me. Tell me that you love me and make authentic enough that I do not doubt it. I thought you said it was simple. I'm beginning not to like you.

Day 7

One week. That is all it took for her to say something hurtful and contradict the promise we made to one another, before she had her procedure done to remove the IUD. And honestly, I don't know why I thought it would be any different than the countless promises she has made before. The weight battles I understand, convincing yourself not to do something you have been doing all your life, and do so to the extreme in order to lose the kind of weight she needs to, can be a mountainous climb. The pressure is un-fucking-believable! I understand, I really do, but, my heart cannot take any more broken promises. My sanity has long left the building, clearly, but I don't know what else to do. You could end this marriage and salvage what little you have left. We have had this discussion before. Yes, but you never seem to get it. I get it. You're a pussy. I'm sorry, what I meant to say is that you're a father who happens to also be a pussy. Is that how you really see me? 

Why don't you just tell me what she did this time. Yow know how we have always made promises to one another, each time we made huge life altering decisions?

1. She promised to lose weight 20 different times, over the last decade, never committing to doing so for more than a month, at best, and blames it on her period, stress, you not doing your part in the relationship to shore up time for her to exercise, yes, I have seen this movie a lot. 

2. You moved to Philadelphia to "bond" which never happened because all you two could do was point out the other's flaws.

3. You moved back to start a family, buying a house too big for way too much money and you asked her to promise you that you two would be better, signed the papers, found out she lied again and then convinced yourself that she could still change for the better. 

4. Had a child with her, but asked the exact same thing before nesteaing into her vagina without a cap on.

5. About to refinance said expensive house and already jumped into the pool once, making the same fucking promise again, therefore, feeling just as fucking stupid about it as all the times before. 

You want my opinion? No. I think you're a goddamn moron. You're spineless, afraid of your own shadow, scared to walk without the crutch of a woman who has ran the show for you for the last decade, believe the bullshit she has implanted into your brain over the years that you are nothing without her, can't write because she no longer supports it, can't enjoy a video game in your free time because she has fucked with you and slapped your dick away because men do not play video games, they work three jobs and build the fucking house with their own bare hands! But, she- she has already told you that the only reason she is even here is because you happen to be a father to her child and breaking that "family" unit up would impact the daughter she is obsessed with. So you're saying- I'm saying you're a pussy that is what I am saying. What did you do to her today that made her revert to her same ole song and dance? She said she feels like I do not respect her or show empathy- because you used her fucking phone to call the doctor to inquire about your sick daughter who kept you both up until 2 am in the morning last night, which you were hoping there could be something more to do, other than stay the fuck awake all night! would that not be benefiting your fucking tired wife to actually get some sleep??? I guess I could have used my own phone- WHO THE FUCK CARES WHICH PHONE IT IS! Why are you turning against me? Shouldn't you of all people be the one person I can vent or cry on? Same reason no one else cares to read you talk to yourself. They all have the same conclusion, Get.The. Fuck. Out. Your wife is not going to change buddy. Something switched off in her head a long time ago. Go on, poll the unresponsive crowd, ask if there are any other women who actually think the way your wife thinks currently. Go on, do it.  You're baiting me. Into what? Indisputable fact? Scared you will learn that you are just as coo-coo as you read right now? 

Look. I love you and you know this, but your noble commitment to make this work for the sake of your little girl is just not going to happen. I'm sorry. I want it too as badly as you do, but she is simply not connected to you. She is, literally, coasting right now. No gas left in the tank. She has not come through on one single promise made, even the easy ones where she doesn't say mean shit just to say it. There is no respect, no love (love between her as your wife not as your daughter's mother, there is a difference), no real desire to build anything other than spitting out that second and final child to complete her bloodline. And that is all that it boils down to, and you know it. Your wife wants two children from the same parents. I could be wrong, but I ask you this- When is the last time you prayed? ...What does...It's been awhile. Remember when you used to pray night in and night out, thanking God for woman you lay next to, even in the bad times you still found the time and the need to thank God for her. But, why would God- You said it yourself in some blog somewhere, God has more important things to worry about than to counsel your fucked up marriage, but he does work in mysterious ways. 

Are you saying I should not have another child with her? No. I am saying you should not be so concerned about having one asap, when she is clearly not thinking about you or love or feelings. She has her own agenda, Scott. She has had her own agenda for some time now, you have just been to busy with trying to please every fucking wish of hers to notice. I am sorry, but this is how you feel. I hope and pray that I am wrong, but the record has stood for more than six years now. You are better than how your wife perceives you. You are an amazing story teller, which there are not many of those around anymore. Too many writer's and not enough story-tellers. Build on that. Write the goddamn novel. keep up with the bullshit on the blogs and if it means not being around your wife, well, fuck, what were you going to get from it anyway? 

We are not talking about a romance of a couple of crazy teens, I am losing 12 years of my life and no telling what will be lost in any divorce procedures...you know my other fear and you know damn well the woman is capable of anything. You honestly think she would take her from you? Yes. I am the only thing tying her  down to this country. Why would she stay here in this shit hole city if not with me? She makes more money than I do and have more opportunity in the workforce than me. If she didn't leave the country, she could easily move several states. I don't have the money to fly or have my daughter flown to me and, even if I did, she is 2 1/2 not 12. How can you love a woman you fear will take your daughter from you? I know, I make her sound like the Boogieman. I don't mean to, but she is very very destructive, when it comes to me. I just bring out the worse in her, even when I am not trying. 

I'm sorry. I truly feel horrible. I know. Me too. 

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG- Skip it, I am not sure of the answer this time. Right.

Day 4

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG, HELP ME UNDERSTAND MY FALL.

I remember the first time I made love to my wife, after we decided to have my daughter, and still remember thinking to myself relax, let go, focus on the goal and not the distractions. I was getting older, she was already 34 and the maternal clock was screaming. Oh, but you were eager to please were you not? I was eager to try. We had been married for eight years, people were beginning to ask questions in roundabout ways, "You have been married for x years and you and your husband have not had children? You both must be career oriented." I was just getting back to basics, prerequisites for my tenure at community college. "Oh, so you don't wish to have children then?" People can really drive a nail into the coffin at times and swear they meant well, and I am usually the one pegged as disrespectful. Image is everything, you should know that. I am not very photogenic. See, I have always been the one carrying around the punchline that only I seem to get. I have taken nothing but shit from everyone around me about the non-traditional methods of how I came to be where I am today. Society sets rules for how the "norm" should be. Society can suck it. I don't see CEO's or high profile writers trying to shed some of their knowledge to the rest of the world for free. I don't see neighbors any longer asking to borrow a cup of sugar for reasons that a simple Google search will tell you, society has closed its shutters to the outside because everyone is a goddamn critic, including you.

You were saying something about having your daughter? Yes, I wrapped the past eight years of my marriage into a nutshell of logic that may or may not have been very smart. My wife left her country, her family, her career to get onto a plane and fly to a country she had never been to and probably never would have visited, pursing a promise I made to her. It was not a false promise, no delusions about easy living or not having to struggle in the least. In fact, I told her I would have a place for us to live and a means for transportation, which I lived up to. My interpretation of living and acceptable transportation did not translate quite the same way. Comfortable living in South Australia to a one bedroom studio in Midtown Memphis does not equate equally I assure you. And you were young, uneducated and reckless. I, like many before and after me, made some mistakes. Some? Many. So you brought a child into the world, because you were feeling guilty? At first, yes. I have since discovered being a father not only feels right, but was one of only a few things I actually did correctly. Had you the chance to go back...No need to finish that question. I love her more than the sun or the moon. Without those things you could not live. Without my daughter, there isn't a reason to do so.

Are you going to answer my question? Help you understand your fall? Yes. You don't know that already? I only know how I feel and how I got here. Lets start there then. How do you feel? Now or then? How you feel now should be the end result of how you felt then.
  I know I love my wife. I know I love my daughter and loving them, by association, I should love my family. But something is wrong still. Something I know I can fix, if only I knew the root cause of the problem. Other people seem to think you should just stop now, before you or your wife, possibly even your daughter, become collaterally damaged for a war no one seems to know how to end. THAT'S THE ISSUE THOUGH, ISN'T IT! I have stopped fighting. I no longer care to win this war of the roses when I have no fucking clue what I am trying to occupy. It's almost like I have bought into a defective product that I refuse to accept as defective. It works just fine, exactly how everyone else uses it, but breaks down the moment I convince myself that there isn't anything wrong. You might say, my troubles are intermittent. When they happen, they are really awful and I cannot get a damn thing done; but, isn't this just how the machine of marriage works? So, you're just venting or complaining here, for all the world to see, to avoid having to explain yourself to your wife when you breakdown? No. I don't think so. I think I open up for a couple of reasons. I am a reclusive. I do not have "friends". At least not the kind I can sit down and have dinner with. I write as an outlet and hope, in the event I am finally understood, that I actually connect to someone who has similar issues as me, maybe even exact. I need to know that I am not just another statistic that some Harvard asshole will compile into one of their "Scientific" studies that supposedly offer real insight into whatever social ailment "Time" or "O" magazine happens to be covering for the month.

If you do not know why you fought or what you continue to fight about now, regardless of whether or not you want too, what makes you think you fell at all? What if you are actually standing on the edge of a cliff, considering jumping, not having a chute, not suicidal in the traditional sense of the word, but clearly contemplating how much it would really matter if you did or did not jump? I think I just blew my own mind. Recall: I remember the first time I made love to my wife, after we decided to have my daughter, and still remember thinking to myself relax, let go, focus on the goal and not the distractions. You made love to her last night, without any barriers, and you had this same thought cross your mind again, didn't you? I did. For the same reasons you had then? No. Then maybe you haven't so much fell as you have failed. Perhaps you are projecting your own shortcomings onto your wife, when the focus should really be you. After all, you are talking to yourself.

Day 1

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG, WHO'S THE MOST DARING OF THEM ALL?

Today I made a choice. I assessed myself, my life, all of my failures and those precious few successes and realized No...I promised myself that I would not sugarcoat this voyage into the next chapter of my life. I swore that the writer in me would not self-edit or remove any incriminating or unflattering comments, to avoid any backlash my words might bring me. I did this because I need to. I must bleed out the poisons that have slowly sickened me for far too long now. It should not be a secret that I am unhappily married. There is no shame in this as I am not the only one who has been slighted or pummeled by the constant constraints of a difficult, if not completely fucking impossible, marriage. I stayed too long in this marriage. I had a child when I probably should have painted the bedside wall instead. I get my goddamn teeth kicked in day after day, week after week, but I get right back up and forge on. Am I mentally removed from this reality? In short, no. 

I am a husband. I am a father. I am an example, perhaps a collection of shining examples, of what and what not to do. Nonetheless, I am still here. And today I made another decision. This one, however, was made without pressure or outside distractions. This one was made on shear will and determination, as a man and architect of my own existence, to not prove anything to anyone, including myself, but to take what is rightfully mine, beginning with my immediate family. Beginning with understanding me, to solidify to myself that I am not insane or clinically fucked in the head in any respect. As the background and title of this blog, hopefully, dictate. I may very well be lost within my own fantasy. 

Today I embark down the road of parenthood, to start anew with the second and final addition to the family I have so valiantly fought for. A conscious choice that did not involved having to satisfy a woman's maternal need, a crutch to patch up my shitty marriage, a payment for having made a woman leave her homeland and move continent's for the sake of her heart, or to fulfill some kind of human genetic means for whatever mindless fucking indulgence people with kids seem to enjoy. Personally, not sleeping worth a damn for the next twenty or so years has never been a selling point for me. Without having to go back and explain how I got here, lets just say this choice was made to hammer out that missing notch in my belt of the American Dream. And like any dream, there is always that possibility of wetting the bed or having the worse nightmare of your life. 

And you know what kinds of scary things lurk in this dream, don't you? She is 36 and overweight, stressed to the point of her hair falling out, skating along recklessly in her marriage and blind to the fact her heart is just not in it anymore. Combined, you are faced with the potential of a Down Syndrome baby, maybe even miscarrying and you know how unstable she gets when watching those infomercials about starving children in Africa. No pressure though. It only gets worse the longer you wait. Goddamn it! Why didn't you listen? Where is the fucking return in this decade long investment of yours? I don't know. It's getting late and you have a big day at work tomorrow...

Oh, one last thing, before you go, you are grossly behind on that novel you've been promising your wife you would write for the past eight years...maybe you should consider waking from one dream, before getting all involved with another. 

Maybe you should go to hell!