Valentines Day.

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...

This day used to mean something to me. Once upon a time, I would put a lot of thought into the gift, no matter how big or small, and feel good about my efforts. Nine out of ten times my message would be lost in translation, insignificant to the current events unfolding on this same day. A word was spoken that should have remained silent, a dagger was plunged into one back or another, when it should have been a kiss or a hug instead. Something always happens with us. Something always happens with us and it's of the smallest significance, yet the most damaging. Of all days to be a dick, you chose this one? Of all days, she chose this one to assume I was being a dick. Reality dictates that I was simply talking, hoping each word was not being carefully dissected the moment it flew out from my mouth. Regardless, those were the old days. I am now faced with a fresh approach to this fucking day, pun intended. Strangely, I am not privy to this feeling, thus it must be authentic as stated. Tell me more.

Today has finally become meaningless to me. There is no Love in this world of mine that the slightest mishap cannot alter the course. One moment I am loved, and the next time I mention something that is not agreeable with her, I am fiercely hated. I can no longer differentiate what is just angry words and what is meaningful...and I don't care either way. Sounds like you finally stepped off that ledge. I suppose it could only support the weight of my marriage for so long, before reacting on its own. Is there anything left in the tank? I would have to think I have been scraping the end of the barrel for a couple of years now. Before you go there, know that I still love my wife. I am just not sure how and on what level anymore. We have had so many false starts over the decade, so many of the same promises broken time and time again. I have just become charitable instead of profitable with my marriage. That is a powerful descriptive of things. I don't like it. I have loved this woman in one fashion or another from the moment we met twelve years ago. She is an amazing woman with so much to give and so much more to offer, but she is also a woman scorned and hell hath no fury...

I, honest to god, wish I could just reach inside her soul and remove all the things I apparently did to her in the past, all of the poison that has slowly eaten her from the inside over time. So, for Valentines Day, I will be honest and true to myself, as I have been from the start. Are you sure you want to open Pandora's Box? Where have you been all this time? I am not opening it, I am trying to force it closed. Then proceed. My Valentine, the one that means the most to me who assisted me with creating a life so precious and loving that I often stand back and ask myself if she is truly my daughter, is no longer with me. She is not with me in body or mind and spirit wanes as well. Every time I look at her I can only imagine how much she is mentally beating me for all the things I have ever said and done to her, torturing me with every breath she draws, damning me to a hell that the devil would shiver over. And the worse part is that...She honestly thinks it can go away with a good nights sleep.

How are things coming along with your decision to have another child? Slow. We have not made love since my admission to you some time back. I have no drive, no desire, no lust for her anymore. Not because I do not love or want to be with her, but because I cannot convince myself that our love-making is honest and true. She doesn't understand that I pounded into my head so much and for so long that the next child would be real and loving from the moment of conception through the end of time, I cannot get over that hump of doubt. Has she tried to help you over this obstacle? Are you kidding me? She is so wrapped up and involved with being mommy and stressing about a job that when I hint to her that I need her touch, not just sexual but gentle touch, a stroke of her hand across my face, her dulled nails along my back, it does wonders for my soul. I am trying to salvage something Goddamn it! Why am I alone? Time is up. That went fast. Life is too short to sit around and talk to yourself all day. There are things you have to do for yourself, your daughter, and your family. Alone? You are not the first nor the last buddy. 

Happy Valentine's Day. 
Happy indeed.  

Day 10

It's four in the morning and I am here writing this, drinking my second cup of coffee, watching the occasional lightning strike reflect in the bedroom window, wondering just how long I have left. See I realized, finally, there is no hope for my marriage. I can not make my wife love me. Worse, I cannot make her forget about things that happened long in the past. Worse still, I don't think I can have another child with her. It's not that I don't want too, but I can't. Every time I think about making love to her, I can only hear her mock me under her breath. I can only hear her say how she could be living a much happier and fulfilling life outside me. I can only hear her pounce on something I will say that is either innocent or insignificant. Like this morning, my daughter has been sick for some time now. She has this deep wet cough at night that keeps her awake, as well as mommy and daddy. I have mentioned several times that she should probably take her to the doctor, but she insist, "It's just a cold that keeps spreading among the playgroup." Fine, but there must be something a doctor can prescribe to help dry the cough. I allow this nonsense to continue for two. She is fine during the day, but at night she has coughing fits that woke me this morning. She was nearly throwing up, coughing so hard. When I took her into our bedroom, and handed her to mommy, because she calms easier with mommy, I said, "She needs to go to the doctor Monday. Enough is enough." I only meant that she has had plenty of time to recover and now its time we let a doctor look at her. My wife, however, jumped straight up my ass at four in the morning, I suspect, because of word choice. 

She said, "Fine. Are you going to take her?" Yes, I said. She then just laughed and patronized the hell out of me for it. Then I realized a key understanding. There is no hope for us, because I now, like my wife, cannot stand her voice. It makes me physically ill. It makes me so down-trodden every time I hear her poke at me, like her father poked at her, that I can no longer bare the sight of her. None of you can understand how much this pains me. I've never worked so hard at something in my life, than I have with my marriage, and the more I drive forward, the harder she becomes. My marriage has taken everything from me that I hold sincere and true. I no longer know what it means to love, versus what it means to coast along, mindless and numb, telling myself that the familiar is better than the unknown. 

So you have arrived then. It took you some time to get here and I commend the hell out of you for sticking with it this long. I would give up everything I have for the power to go inside her head and remove whatever has kept us apart all this time. I want nothing more than for her to smile. I haven't seen her smile at me in so long. Just as I knew it would happen, she know thrives on the love of our daughter. She has forgotten or no longer cares to love me. I am just a device, a means for her to complete her little circle of joy. And I feel like I owe it to her, because I am so convinced of being such a horrible person, even knowing I could not be further from it. The level of her ambivalence is so severe that it MUST be me. It must be the terror of being my wife, the hardships that come with loving someone as awful as I am, that have lead her to this place of desolate solitude. It's like watching a cancer patient slowly die. She put up a good fight in the beginning, but then the condition just deteriorated, day after day, until she just decided to give in and wait for the inevitable. And I honest to god, don't have the foggiest idea why. Why now? Why give in when things are better than they have ever been? Money is good. Not a lot of debt. About to refinance the house and save 100k at 3.25% over 15 years...

I'm losing you again. No, you're not. These are perfectly acceptable things to wonder and question, regardless of how I feel. I do want her to wake up. I would say before it's too late, but that bell has rung long ago. But she could make this all go away, with one simple action. Kiss me. Tell me that you love me and make authentic enough that I do not doubt it. I thought you said it was simple. I'm beginning not to like you.

Day 7

One week. That is all it took for her to say something hurtful and contradict the promise we made to one another, before she had her procedure done to remove the IUD. And honestly, I don't know why I thought it would be any different than the countless promises she has made before. The weight battles I understand, convincing yourself not to do something you have been doing all your life, and do so to the extreme in order to lose the kind of weight she needs to, can be a mountainous climb. The pressure is un-fucking-believable! I understand, I really do, but, my heart cannot take any more broken promises. My sanity has long left the building, clearly, but I don't know what else to do. You could end this marriage and salvage what little you have left. We have had this discussion before. Yes, but you never seem to get it. I get it. You're a pussy. I'm sorry, what I meant to say is that you're a father who happens to also be a pussy. Is that how you really see me? 

Why don't you just tell me what she did this time. Yow know how we have always made promises to one another, each time we made huge life altering decisions?

1. She promised to lose weight 20 different times, over the last decade, never committing to doing so for more than a month, at best, and blames it on her period, stress, you not doing your part in the relationship to shore up time for her to exercise, yes, I have seen this movie a lot. 

2. You moved to Philadelphia to "bond" which never happened because all you two could do was point out the other's flaws.

3. You moved back to start a family, buying a house too big for way too much money and you asked her to promise you that you two would be better, signed the papers, found out she lied again and then convinced yourself that she could still change for the better. 

4. Had a child with her, but asked the exact same thing before nesteaing into her vagina without a cap on.

5. About to refinance said expensive house and already jumped into the pool once, making the same fucking promise again, therefore, feeling just as fucking stupid about it as all the times before. 

You want my opinion? No. I think you're a goddamn moron. You're spineless, afraid of your own shadow, scared to walk without the crutch of a woman who has ran the show for you for the last decade, believe the bullshit she has implanted into your brain over the years that you are nothing without her, can't write because she no longer supports it, can't enjoy a video game in your free time because she has fucked with you and slapped your dick away because men do not play video games, they work three jobs and build the fucking house with their own bare hands! But, she- she has already told you that the only reason she is even here is because you happen to be a father to her child and breaking that "family" unit up would impact the daughter she is obsessed with. So you're saying- I'm saying you're a pussy that is what I am saying. What did you do to her today that made her revert to her same ole song and dance? She said she feels like I do not respect her or show empathy- because you used her fucking phone to call the doctor to inquire about your sick daughter who kept you both up until 2 am in the morning last night, which you were hoping there could be something more to do, other than stay the fuck awake all night! would that not be benefiting your fucking tired wife to actually get some sleep??? I guess I could have used my own phone- WHO THE FUCK CARES WHICH PHONE IT IS! Why are you turning against me? Shouldn't you of all people be the one person I can vent or cry on? Same reason no one else cares to read you talk to yourself. They all have the same conclusion, Get.The. Fuck. Out. Your wife is not going to change buddy. Something switched off in her head a long time ago. Go on, poll the unresponsive crowd, ask if there are any other women who actually think the way your wife thinks currently. Go on, do it.  You're baiting me. Into what? Indisputable fact? Scared you will learn that you are just as coo-coo as you read right now? 

Look. I love you and you know this, but your noble commitment to make this work for the sake of your little girl is just not going to happen. I'm sorry. I want it too as badly as you do, but she is simply not connected to you. She is, literally, coasting right now. No gas left in the tank. She has not come through on one single promise made, even the easy ones where she doesn't say mean shit just to say it. There is no respect, no love (love between her as your wife not as your daughter's mother, there is a difference), no real desire to build anything other than spitting out that second and final child to complete her bloodline. And that is all that it boils down to, and you know it. Your wife wants two children from the same parents. I could be wrong, but I ask you this- When is the last time you prayed? ...What does...It's been awhile. Remember when you used to pray night in and night out, thanking God for woman you lay next to, even in the bad times you still found the time and the need to thank God for her. But, why would God- You said it yourself in some blog somewhere, God has more important things to worry about than to counsel your fucked up marriage, but he does work in mysterious ways. 

Are you saying I should not have another child with her? No. I am saying you should not be so concerned about having one asap, when she is clearly not thinking about you or love or feelings. She has her own agenda, Scott. She has had her own agenda for some time now, you have just been to busy with trying to please every fucking wish of hers to notice. I am sorry, but this is how you feel. I hope and pray that I am wrong, but the record has stood for more than six years now. You are better than how your wife perceives you. You are an amazing story teller, which there are not many of those around anymore. Too many writer's and not enough story-tellers. Build on that. Write the goddamn novel. keep up with the bullshit on the blogs and if it means not being around your wife, well, fuck, what were you going to get from it anyway? 

We are not talking about a romance of a couple of crazy teens, I am losing 12 years of my life and no telling what will be lost in any divorce procedures...you know my other fear and you know damn well the woman is capable of anything. You honestly think she would take her from you? Yes. I am the only thing tying her  down to this country. Why would she stay here in this shit hole city if not with me? She makes more money than I do and have more opportunity in the workforce than me. If she didn't leave the country, she could easily move several states. I don't have the money to fly or have my daughter flown to me and, even if I did, she is 2 1/2 not 12. How can you love a woman you fear will take your daughter from you? I know, I make her sound like the Boogieman. I don't mean to, but she is very very destructive, when it comes to me. I just bring out the worse in her, even when I am not trying. 

I'm sorry. I truly feel horrible. I know. Me too. 

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG- Skip it, I am not sure of the answer this time. Right.