Sessions With Myself

For a minute there, I thought you were never coming back.
It's been a long hard road out of hell. I figured I would take a moment to collect my thoughts and try some new things.
And how did this go?
Lets be honest, life has been a motherfucker this year. I have been trying so hard to be a better man, for me, for my family, for everyone. Everything I have done in this nearly 11 year marriage has led up to this moment, this defining year of my life. Our last talk spoke of a second addition to the family, which, I am sad to say, we lost. It was devastating to us. My wife more so than me, but don't judge. I wanted another child, but I am not so sure it would have been for the best. Too many conflicts and doubt, which was not much different than the trials I have had with my marriage from day one, but I guess I am older and wiser now and figure some things should not be under acidic circumstances. I never got the chance to mourn the loss myself, because I needed to be strong for me, for K. More so for her than myself.

Tell me how you feel about losing the baby now then. 
Relieved. Scared. Embarrassed. Above all...full of guilt. I have felt trapped in this marriage. Like a tornado swooped down over me years ago and kept me prisoner inside its eye. A torrent of expectations tossing and throwing me around like a rag doll. So many parts of my person have separated from the body that I typically feel like I am outside myself, walking around like a mindless zombie, acting on impulses embedded in vows that have long lost their meaning. I was about to have another child with a woman who cannot forget about things that happened 10 years ago, still fresh on her mind as though they happened yesterday. Vindictive and vengeful, two things I cannot tolerate with my seasoning as a man. Knowing that these traits will transfer into my children leaves me kicking myself, praying my own DNA will offset some of the cold shoulder.

And the wife?
Desolate. I've spent a decade of my life loving a woman who has doubted herself and every emotion within her, leading to misleading affection with me, doing all I can to convince myself that she is my one true mate. Years spent absorbing the damage of her wrath and anger, waiting for the moment she stepped through the void of self pity and emerge as the woman I fell in love with so long ago. I have been slowly poisoned by this defeat, this blatant lie, this facade I was fooled into marrying so that the actual damaged goods could relax and be itself. I have watched her tack on pound after pound, ballooning her weight to what she would call, "The woman I deserve" only to repent for my mistakes and not have the woman return to whomever it is that I do deserve. I have watched her focus on hate and anger, swelling this skill to masterful levels, instead of reinforce whatever love and values she has inside her. I have had to live with this. And it has taken its toll on me.

How is your job going?
Mine? Very bright future if I can stick with it and keep convincing people I know what I am doing. My wife, however, not so much. Just another shot in the gut, which came not a month and a half after she lost the baby, her own job was cut. The main income depleted. The comfort levels she has been used to for six years now, no more. Because she did not have enough shit to destroy her confidence, now she has to overcome being let go from a job she excelled in. The top in her position three years in a row, suddenly gone. There is no confidence remaining. Her pride is decimated, her will broken. How can I expect her to give me anything, when she cannot find the strength to give herself the slightest bit?

Where are you overall?
I do not know. I make this out to sound terrible that the woman I am married to is an awful person, but she is not. She is rather stunning. A perfect circle of chaos. And perhaps that is why I love her so, and why I continue to lie for us about that victorious moment, when she breaks through that final obstacle and woos me again.

Then I believe we should go back to the beginning. no filters. It's just you and me now. The gloves need to come off. I think we will find the right path in doing this. That you will see the light at the end of that infamous tunnel we all seek. But first, you need to think about some things. You need to find that young soul, standing next to his bride nearly 11 years ago, and ask yourself why you said, "I do." 

Give me some time. I want to make this right.
I'll be here, when you are ready to proceed. 
You have always been there.
A trend we can both agree to continue.