Day 7

One week. That is all it took for her to say something hurtful and contradict the promise we made to one another, before she had her procedure done to remove the IUD. And honestly, I don't know why I thought it would be any different than the countless promises she has made before. The weight battles I understand, convincing yourself not to do something you have been doing all your life, and do so to the extreme in order to lose the kind of weight she needs to, can be a mountainous climb. The pressure is un-fucking-believable! I understand, I really do, but, my heart cannot take any more broken promises. My sanity has long left the building, clearly, but I don't know what else to do. You could end this marriage and salvage what little you have left. We have had this discussion before. Yes, but you never seem to get it. I get it. You're a pussy. I'm sorry, what I meant to say is that you're a father who happens to also be a pussy. Is that how you really see me? 

Why don't you just tell me what she did this time. Yow know how we have always made promises to one another, each time we made huge life altering decisions?

1. She promised to lose weight 20 different times, over the last decade, never committing to doing so for more than a month, at best, and blames it on her period, stress, you not doing your part in the relationship to shore up time for her to exercise, yes, I have seen this movie a lot. 

2. You moved to Philadelphia to "bond" which never happened because all you two could do was point out the other's flaws.

3. You moved back to start a family, buying a house too big for way too much money and you asked her to promise you that you two would be better, signed the papers, found out she lied again and then convinced yourself that she could still change for the better. 

4. Had a child with her, but asked the exact same thing before nesteaing into her vagina without a cap on.

5. About to refinance said expensive house and already jumped into the pool once, making the same fucking promise again, therefore, feeling just as fucking stupid about it as all the times before. 

You want my opinion? No. I think you're a goddamn moron. You're spineless, afraid of your own shadow, scared to walk without the crutch of a woman who has ran the show for you for the last decade, believe the bullshit she has implanted into your brain over the years that you are nothing without her, can't write because she no longer supports it, can't enjoy a video game in your free time because she has fucked with you and slapped your dick away because men do not play video games, they work three jobs and build the fucking house with their own bare hands! But, she- she has already told you that the only reason she is even here is because you happen to be a father to her child and breaking that "family" unit up would impact the daughter she is obsessed with. So you're saying- I'm saying you're a pussy that is what I am saying. What did you do to her today that made her revert to her same ole song and dance? She said she feels like I do not respect her or show empathy- because you used her fucking phone to call the doctor to inquire about your sick daughter who kept you both up until 2 am in the morning last night, which you were hoping there could be something more to do, other than stay the fuck awake all night! would that not be benefiting your fucking tired wife to actually get some sleep??? I guess I could have used my own phone- WHO THE FUCK CARES WHICH PHONE IT IS! Why are you turning against me? Shouldn't you of all people be the one person I can vent or cry on? Same reason no one else cares to read you talk to yourself. They all have the same conclusion, Get.The. Fuck. Out. Your wife is not going to change buddy. Something switched off in her head a long time ago. Go on, poll the unresponsive crowd, ask if there are any other women who actually think the way your wife thinks currently. Go on, do it.  You're baiting me. Into what? Indisputable fact? Scared you will learn that you are just as coo-coo as you read right now? 

Look. I love you and you know this, but your noble commitment to make this work for the sake of your little girl is just not going to happen. I'm sorry. I want it too as badly as you do, but she is simply not connected to you. She is, literally, coasting right now. No gas left in the tank. She has not come through on one single promise made, even the easy ones where she doesn't say mean shit just to say it. There is no respect, no love (love between her as your wife not as your daughter's mother, there is a difference), no real desire to build anything other than spitting out that second and final child to complete her bloodline. And that is all that it boils down to, and you know it. Your wife wants two children from the same parents. I could be wrong, but I ask you this- When is the last time you prayed? ...What does...It's been awhile. Remember when you used to pray night in and night out, thanking God for woman you lay next to, even in the bad times you still found the time and the need to thank God for her. But, why would God- You said it yourself in some blog somewhere, God has more important things to worry about than to counsel your fucked up marriage, but he does work in mysterious ways. 

Are you saying I should not have another child with her? No. I am saying you should not be so concerned about having one asap, when she is clearly not thinking about you or love or feelings. She has her own agenda, Scott. She has had her own agenda for some time now, you have just been to busy with trying to please every fucking wish of hers to notice. I am sorry, but this is how you feel. I hope and pray that I am wrong, but the record has stood for more than six years now. You are better than how your wife perceives you. You are an amazing story teller, which there are not many of those around anymore. Too many writer's and not enough story-tellers. Build on that. Write the goddamn novel. keep up with the bullshit on the blogs and if it means not being around your wife, well, fuck, what were you going to get from it anyway? 

We are not talking about a romance of a couple of crazy teens, I am losing 12 years of my life and no telling what will be lost in any divorce procedures...you know my other fear and you know damn well the woman is capable of anything. You honestly think she would take her from you? Yes. I am the only thing tying her  down to this country. Why would she stay here in this shit hole city if not with me? She makes more money than I do and have more opportunity in the workforce than me. If she didn't leave the country, she could easily move several states. I don't have the money to fly or have my daughter flown to me and, even if I did, she is 2 1/2 not 12. How can you love a woman you fear will take your daughter from you? I know, I make her sound like the Boogieman. I don't mean to, but she is very very destructive, when it comes to me. I just bring out the worse in her, even when I am not trying. 

I'm sorry. I truly feel horrible. I know. Me too. 

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG- Skip it, I am not sure of the answer this time. Right.