This day used to mean something to me. Once upon a time, I would put a lot of thought into the gift, no matter how big or small, and feel good about my efforts. Nine out of ten times my message would be lost in translation, insignificant to the current events unfolding on this same day. A word was spoken that should have remained silent, a dagger was plunged into one back or another, when it should have been a kiss or a hug instead. Something always happens with us. Something always happens with us and it's of the smallest significance, yet the most damaging. Of all days to be a dick, you chose this one? Of all days, she chose this one to assume I was being a dick. Reality dictates that I was simply talking, hoping each word was not being carefully dissected the moment it flew out from my mouth. Regardless, those were the old days. I am now faced with a fresh approach to this fucking day, pun intended. Strangely, I am not privy to this feeling, thus it must be authentic as stated. Tell me more.
Today has finally become meaningless to me. There is no Love in this world of mine that the slightest mishap cannot alter the course. One moment I am loved, and the next time I mention something that is not agreeable with her, I am fiercely hated. I can no longer differentiate what is just angry words and what is meaningful...and I don't care either way. Sounds like you finally stepped off that ledge. I suppose it could only support the weight of my marriage for so long, before reacting on its own. Is there anything left in the tank? I would have to think I have been scraping the end of the barrel for a couple of years now. Before you go there, know that I still love my wife. I am just not sure how and on what level anymore. We have had so many false starts over the decade, so many of the same promises broken time and time again. I have just become charitable instead of profitable with my marriage. That is a powerful descriptive of things. I don't like it. I have loved this woman in one fashion or another from the moment we met twelve years ago. She is an amazing woman with so much to give and so much more to offer, but she is also a woman scorned and hell hath no fury...
I, honest to god, wish I could just reach inside her soul and remove all the things I apparently did to her in the past, all of the poison that has slowly eaten her from the inside over time. So, for Valentines Day, I will be honest and true to myself, as I have been from the start. Are you sure you want to open Pandora's Box? Where have you been all this time? I am not opening it, I am trying to force it closed. Then proceed. My Valentine, the one that means the most to me who assisted me with creating a life so precious and loving that I often stand back and ask myself if she is truly my daughter, is no longer with me. She is not with me in body or mind and spirit wanes as well. Every time I look at her I can only imagine how much she is mentally beating me for all the things I have ever said and done to her, torturing me with every breath she draws, damning me to a hell that the devil would shiver over. And the worse part is that...She honestly thinks it can go away with a good nights sleep.
How are things coming along with your decision to have another child? Slow. We have not made love since my admission to you some time back. I have no drive, no desire, no lust for her anymore. Not because I do not love or want to be with her, but because I cannot convince myself that our love-making is honest and true. She doesn't understand that I pounded into my head so much and for so long that the next child would be real and loving from the moment of conception through the end of time, I cannot get over that hump of doubt. Has she tried to help you over this obstacle? Are you kidding me? She is so wrapped up and involved with being mommy and stressing about a job that when I hint to her that I need her touch, not just sexual but gentle touch, a stroke of her hand across my face, her dulled nails along my back, it does wonders for my soul. I am trying to salvage something Goddamn it! Why am I alone? Time is up. That went fast. Life is too short to sit around and talk to yourself all day. There are things you have to do for yourself, your daughter, and your family. Alone? You are not the first nor the last buddy.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy indeed.
How are things coming along with your decision to have another child? Slow. We have not made love since my admission to you some time back. I have no drive, no desire, no lust for her anymore. Not because I do not love or want to be with her, but because I cannot convince myself that our love-making is honest and true. She doesn't understand that I pounded into my head so much and for so long that the next child would be real and loving from the moment of conception through the end of time, I cannot get over that hump of doubt. Has she tried to help you over this obstacle? Are you kidding me? She is so wrapped up and involved with being mommy and stressing about a job that when I hint to her that I need her touch, not just sexual but gentle touch, a stroke of her hand across my face, her dulled nails along my back, it does wonders for my soul. I am trying to salvage something Goddamn it! Why am I alone? Time is up. That went fast. Life is too short to sit around and talk to yourself all day. There are things you have to do for yourself, your daughter, and your family. Alone? You are not the first nor the last buddy.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Happy indeed.
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