A Setback of Sorts

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...


You look bruised. What gave it away? Your fingers stuttered just a little on the keys. I gather things are not well. The heart's a mess. Just when I think things are moving along, when I risk impregnating her again, when all signs appear GO, but that one meter suggest something might be a little "off"...I go and have a meltdown. You had a reaction then? I did. Timing wasn't the best either-is it ever? My wife planned a grilling session with some of her friends yesterday, which is fine, but she gets into this "CAN DO" mode where she is so focused on the task at hand that she completely bulldozes everyone in her path. We are supposed to be working on communication and she claims she has progressed so much, but I just don't see it. This mode is exactly what I mean, when I tell you that I would give her up in a heartbeat for someone who would show me a minutes worth of interest and respect. Still? Like I've said before, I don't like it. That is just how I feel.

Perhaps a visual is in order. Show me how you felt about this moment you had with her, then we will talk more about it. I'll try. 

I see. Lyrically, this is my marriage as a whole. Emotionally, I feel cast at sea, afloat on my back staring up to an open sky, waiting to be rescued. The waters are shark infested, cold against my skin and freezing me from the outside in. Yet, energetically speaking, I can remain here forever, floating, waiting, for something to happen along and scoop me up from the abyss and save me from this potential of drowning in my own sorrow. That is a powerful image without the video. Sorry, I like the song too. So, tell me, about this gathering? That isn't really as important as the outcome, which was I lost my cool and pushed her over the edge again. But, this time, it was not for the same reason as it once was. Once, I would do this to her because I wanted to make her hurt on the inside. This time, it was me hurting on the inside. I have taken on so much recently to prove to her that we are lovers AND friends AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, a family.

Yet, you both have not come to agree on this. In my own opinion, I am closer now than I was when I said, "I do." Much has changed and times along with it. I am going on 34 and committed to enjoying however much time I have left on this planet. Yet, you still remain lost at sea. Hope floats. Only in the movies, sir.  Your waiting to be saved, while digging your trench even deeper with trying to have another child with this woman you still cannot connect with on a deep emotional level. You have clearly tried all that you know how to, and she still continued to evade you. Are you two having more meaningful conversations? No. Are you spending more time with one another? No. Are you making love more? Yes, but not in the way I would like. It's more purpose driven to get pregnant, I think. You have to break a little Scott. I appreciate the analogy and the emphasizing of hope and all that, but you have to accept some things that do not appear to be changing...at least not quick enough for you. What if I am wrong about it all? What if she is making strides and I am just too selfish to see them? What if I was a real separate personality speaking to you, instead of an extension of your own consciousness that you have somehow blocked off from the rest of your brain for moral guidance and support? Putting it that way, you make me sound a little bit off my rocker.

My prescription for you then is this, focus on you and your family but do so with equal love and support. Maybe your wife has made strides with her therapy and it not revolve around you. Maybe she needs to take the scenic route in getting back to you, instead of the shortest path possible. The love is there, this much is clear to me AND you. And quit floating man, there is bound to be dry land somewhere. Swim, swim, swim!