Today it's just me talking. I need you to listen and reserve your opinions, for now. Everything I have ever done in my marriage, my life, and all those things outside that may have been affected by my actions, bring me to this moment now. This moment in which I confess that I will, once more, be a father. My head is scrambled right now, cluttered with more things than I can think to put down here, expressing them to you and in this forum in which we have found a new, brave, way in which to communicate. I'm not perfect, far from it as we all tend to admit to one another. I am scared as hell, for many reasons not contained to my own selfish wants or needs. I am much more prepared this time around, but still miles away from where I need to be. I need financial comfort. Spousal support, now more than ever. I need promises no one seems to remember to fill. I need...all of you to understand, even if you don't.
So, today, I am going to just lay down the positives, because there will be plenty of time to complain. I will be someone else's dad in nine months or so. I think my Daughter can vouch for me that I am a pretty damn good father, so I am good there. I have my concerns about it being a boy though, mainly that I am not geared to raise a boy. I think this mostly stems from not having a father myself, so raising a girl sounds like a snap. Give them lots of love and break bones when the time comes that boys start to try and ruin her life. Easy. But a boy, there is that "manly" step a father has to pass down to his son and I simply don't have it. Not sure how to explain "manly" to you either. I guess you would have to be fatherless in order to get it. People and peers will lend their support and tell me that I will be fine, as an automatic gesture to avoid telling me."yeah, you're pretty much fucked pal."
I've been heard saying things like I do not want a boy and I am not sure if I could love a boy the same way I love my daughter, and I get the expected reaction with glares and stares and tears from the wife who thinks I am being cruel. She doesn't get it. Not many will. I cannot help the way I feel, and maybe it will go away if a boy lands in my hands in January or February...if we are still around to welcome it into the world. I've also finished my first short story...I know...I have wrote many stories over the years, some finished but mostly incomplete works of genius. It's called The Gospel of Judas and is inspired by the Tales From A Motel blog a handful of people actually read. It feels right- a story from beginning to end that I wrote myself. Something about this one makes me eager to get it out there and see if publishers feel as strongly about it as I do. If not, there is always Kindle.
It's weird to feel partially content, almost like waking up from a deep long sleep with one side of your body numb and unresponsive...The "could be a girl" side that is eager to see is already planning on other things, like making enough money to have two children equally happy. It's not much to ask, even in today's world. But, if it's a boy...I honestly don't know...Clearly I will not shut down and cower in a corner, but I am not sure if a boy will have quite the happy life as my daughter; because, both its parents had terrible fucking fathers...ultimately, like any parent, I want a healthy baby, regardless of sex, and that is what's most important to me...I'm just tripping out a little...I am sure I will recover as I did with my daughter and, like I mentioned, she is good, healthy, and extremely happy.
Thanks for listening...
Good luck. You too buddy.
I've been heard saying things like I do not want a boy and I am not sure if I could love a boy the same way I love my daughter, and I get the expected reaction with glares and stares and tears from the wife who thinks I am being cruel. She doesn't get it. Not many will. I cannot help the way I feel, and maybe it will go away if a boy lands in my hands in January or February...if we are still around to welcome it into the world. I've also finished my first short story...I know...I have wrote many stories over the years, some finished but mostly incomplete works of genius. It's called The Gospel of Judas and is inspired by the Tales From A Motel blog a handful of people actually read. It feels right- a story from beginning to end that I wrote myself. Something about this one makes me eager to get it out there and see if publishers feel as strongly about it as I do. If not, there is always Kindle.
It's weird to feel partially content, almost like waking up from a deep long sleep with one side of your body numb and unresponsive...The "could be a girl" side that is eager to see is already planning on other things, like making enough money to have two children equally happy. It's not much to ask, even in today's world. But, if it's a boy...I honestly don't know...Clearly I will not shut down and cower in a corner, but I am not sure if a boy will have quite the happy life as my daughter; because, both its parents had terrible fucking fathers...ultimately, like any parent, I want a healthy baby, regardless of sex, and that is what's most important to me...I'm just tripping out a little...I am sure I will recover as I did with my daughter and, like I mentioned, she is good, healthy, and extremely happy.
Thanks for listening...
Good luck. You too buddy.
I know how you feel. I remember the day my daughter was born, I was outside having a cigarette with my dad, and I told him that I was actually kind of glad that I was having a daughter. Of course, my dad had to take that opportunity to get a dig in about me not liking sports, something I think he always resented. He said, "Yeah, what would you do with a son? Take him to a ball game?" Thanks, dad. Not only was hurtful, but it was also depressing to think of what a shallow concept he had of raising a son. At least, that's how I felt at the time. Looking back, I suppose he was just trying to be supportive in his own awkward way. Nevertheless, it's not one of my fonder father/son memories.
ReplyDeleteAs for you, I think if it does turn out to be a boy, I think you'll find that you have a better sense of how to raise a son than you might have thought. I'm sure you know by now that parenting comes with its fair share of surprises, not the least of which are surprises that we learn about ourselves and what we're capable of. I think you'll do just fine. You'll change; you'll grow to be the person you need to be, because it matters to you, and that's what makes all the difference.
Oh, and congratulations ;)
Thank you sir. I'm learning that as I get older and more changes are happening inside of me, I a getting a much better picture of me and the man who made me from a very unexpected place. Strangely, this blog has also done more than I expected it too.
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