A Slow Burn

MIRROR, MIRROR ON THE BLOG...

Life has a way of sneaking up on you, tapping you on the shoulder, and then blowing the scene before you realize that your entire life has just jumped track. A development in the marriage, is it? I'll say. My wife has been talking about attending church a lot as of late. She has always spoke of it, especially when her mom came to visit the second time and they both found a Polish church that accepted them with open arms. She was going off and on with our daughter, for the Polish speak and socializing with people like her, but it did not last very long. About this development. Yes. Well, she approached me a week or two ago and asked that we attend church on Sunday. Generally, she gets these weird unexplained spurts to do something out of the ordinary, so I said, "Fine, but there is something more to this. What is your motive?" She claims there is no interior motive, but our daughter has started going to a pre-kinder school that the church provides. I suspect having to attend the church on a regular basis is part of the criteria. So what is the problem? She even chose a Catholic church, which is right down your sinful alley. I know. But...when we went, I felt...out of place. I was terrified that I would spontaneously combust the moment I touched the ceremonial Holy Water fountain. I was anxiously wanting to get the hell out of there, the moment we sat in the pew, and focused hard on not finding the inner turrets, dousing those hypocritical assholes with an onslaught of damnation. You have lost your faith? Not entirely. Interesting.

So, you're at Church and then what? The norm. She followed along with the recital, the crossing signs and stood, sat, stood, sat, stood, knelt, sat. She even ponied up some cash for the collection plate. Playing the role to a T. I could not believe it myself. But what I figured to be a one-time thing appears to be a recurring theme. She wants us to go bi-weekly and make it a "family" ordeal. Nothing wrong with that. Except that it's unnatural. I have spent the last decade of my life with her and now she suddenly has a change of heart on God and organized religion? So, you want her to remain in the old skin? No. I want her to be authentic in her choice, and not be motivated by keeping up with the Catholic Jone's and going so our daughter can have a nice place to go to. Sounds like you are holding inside of you some anger against your wife, because she has decided to seek out spiritual guidance. I guess, maybe I do. Years I spent, praying for this and that and never getting a damn thing out of it. Nowadays, I can't even finish a thought, let alone a prayer. I wake up the next morning feeling like shit, because I can't keep a promise I once kept for 8 years. I hold her partially, if not fully, responsible for my lack of faith.

And what of the sex? You're trying to conceive again, correct? Laughs. I'm making another horrible mistake, I know. I just...I want to complete my family, you know? I have vested 12 fucking years in this marriage and you would think I could, at least, churn out a complete family circle. Would that be prudent? It would be right. As a man, I need to drive this family, pass on the genetic code, ensure my bloodline will be around for whatever is in store for the human race. I have a duty to fulfill. I also want, desperately, to have a child with someone who loves me as much as I them. My first was breed out of chaos and guilt. I do not know what it feels like to have a child because the parents want to. It's something else I feel cheated out of. So, you're having sex then...to procreate. Twice, since our first session together. I am pretty potent, so maybe we do not need to do it as often as one would think, being 36 and all. You really are going into this without much thought, aren't you? Meaning what? I have thought about this for a decade. I think I am pretty much thought out. But you are having another child with a woman you feel no longer loves you. True. But, I also think she is capable of loving me even more than she once did, if she could let go. so you're gambling another innocent life on a whim? My daughter is very much loved by myself and her mother. She is a very loving child and incredibly smart, so it wasn't all bad. Luck. Probably. But it's a chance I am willing to take again, because siblings with the same mother and father, traditionally, work together better than half bloods. Yes. It worked well for Cain and Able, why not make a sequel. I'm beginning to understand why people don't like you. Likewise.